Everything’s Good…

When you feel everything and feel nothing. When you feel so much at the same time it makes your head hurt and your mind start to shake. When you feel so much in despair that you can’t move. When you feel you’re not good enough for people. When you feel you have no reason for feeling so shitty but you do, and it confuses you and hurts you and hurts those around you. When you can’t explain things and that annoys and upsets folk. When you get overwhelmed by the most everyday things, then do nothing, and feel shit and useless because of it, and someone else ends up having to do it and it makes you feel like you’re taking the piss. When you have so much in your head that it overwhelms you…and you say “one thing at a time”…and still can’t manage that. When you worry what others think of you all the time. When you feel such a shit person for putting people through what you have. When things are said that bear no relation to you, and you think they do. When you’re so scared of losing everything because of the way you are.  When you hold back the tears every single day because you’re scared they won’t stop if you start. When you feel so pathetic for feeling so pathetic. When you find yourself staring at space, or the wall, with everything running around your head.

If I’m doing other things when I’m around you or with you it’s because I’m scared. It’s because I’m trying to keep busy and away from myself….not you. It’s because I think I don’t have anything interesting to talk about…or anything that you will find interesting…even though you might! I convince myself that no one is, because it’s only me, and unless you ask me then my stupid head tells me to shut up because i’ll just be annoying you.

Every night I go to bed, sometimes eventually late, because that time in between going to bed and falling asleep I am within my own mind and the chaos and worry and darkness, and I’m shattered. My mind is shattered. It’s burnt out. This is going to sound really really stupid….but some nights it feels like I wish my mind could cry, and burst, and release, but not me physically.

And all through this we have a life to live each day.

And then I sit here for twenty minutes thinking whether I should just delete everything I’ve just written because who wants to listen to my shite. Who wants to put up with it all. The constant battles and arguments and thoughts that hammer around in there are terrifying sometimes. They’re evil and hurt and if you let your guard down they will hurt you, and more. I damn well f*****g hate myself sometimes,because of the way I am with people sometimes

 

 

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Then There Was Cardenden

29/06/17

Hello everyone! How are we doing?

As promised here is a little update on life since my last post (prior to my actual last post haha).

I have made my way deeper into Fife lol, after moving back to live with my parents for a while, along came a girl called Kelly and whisked me back over the Forth again. It never ceases to astound and beffudle me how one minute you don’t know a person and then two letters later…Hi….you start on a brand new chapter of your story upon this earth. I could, as always, bang out all the old cliches….so I will! We are approaching 6 months together but feels like so much more. Simply because we work so well and respect each other and are in it for each other and not for ourselves. We don’t really have time for ourselves lol, we have 6 boys between us! Her 4 and my 2. Both of us have been accepted so warmly and lovingly by our respective families, Kelly and the boys adore my parents and step-parents. And I can’t thank Kelly’s friends and family for making me feel loved and part of their lives, it’s an honour and privilege.

I am, as of tomorrow, on school holidays. My NC in photography is at an end and I have the pleasure of telling you all that I have passed! 🙂 and…..met the conditions required to be invited on to do my HNC next year 🙂 To say I’m chuffed is a tad understating it, I’m mega thrilled. Not all of us get to study our passions in life and for the past 10 months I have been able to do just that. Asides from the hope of making a little money from it (have to be honest), bringing the world or even just a tiny bit of it at least is something very dear to me. My photography is a representation of me personally which is why you won’t see too many ‘postcard’ shots or anything that has been done to death by thousands of others. To me photography is a window to someones soul, their essence, their mind. When you show anyone your work you are bearing your self to them and letting them in to your world. Which is bloody scary, because you are willingly letting yourself be open to being hurt. All I ever want from anyone when they look at my photos (apart from the ones intended to be ‘snaps’) is for them to say…..”I haven’t seen that before” or “I haven’t seen that from there before” or simply “that’s a little different”. Because if you know me, you know that I like that D-word 🙂

 

A little of what I have been up to over the last few months.

I can’t wait to see what the HN throws up and what challenges I will face. All I know is that I am really looking forward to learning so much more about something I love so much. I hope you enjoy my view of the world through my camera viewfinder. I can’t mention photography and my passion for it without alluding to the effect it has on my mental health. No prizes for guessing that it helps massively. Having the freedom to jump in the car and explore and travel to wherever then having the time to relax and take in the place before capturing it forever is priceless. I’m lucky to have a few things where my mind can escape and be happy and content.

I have been continuing to see Hayden every other Sunday which has been awesome. As always there has been moments I have slipped and not contacted him for maybe up to a week, but I am trying (very trying some would say!) and even though I will have failures I am determined not to put him through the crap I have done in the past. I will not let myself. He is doing great 🙂 Goes into P7 after the holidays and growing up so fast, although he’s more intelligent than his age which is both a blessing and a curse haha.

Looking forward to Saturday. Kelly, Max and myself are going on a special train excursion to Blackpool and back, behind locomotive 37025 ‘Inverness TMD’ I’m sure there will be photos of that in the next post hehe.

So that’s about it really, I’ve probably missed a lot of course, but these things have been taking up the majority of my time since the turn of the year. So it’s time to switch off my head, enjoy my holidays, take photos without any pressure and bloody well enjoy life for a while like the rest of damn world!

Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other. Love, understand, empathise, be selfless, care and nurture.

Lots of love

Steven x

#gsss #mentalhealthawareness #mydearfriendincanada

Uh-oh, He’s Back

08.06.17

Hello there everyone!

I have somewhat neglected my poor little blog for months 😦 Main reason being that I have as usual gone through some emotional upheaval, life upheaval, and moved on and moved places and generally did some life things.

I do need to start blogging regularly again as it really does help and I don’t want to get stuck in that mental foggy forest where I get lost and end up losing myself. So I just thought I’d say hello and let everyone know I’m doing more than okay for a change.

There is so much to tell you, if you don’t follow me on Farcespace that is, and I don’t have the time at the moment. Waiting on my lift home from college.

I promise I will catch up within the next few days okay.

Lots of love

Steven

Sina

08/02/17

Hiya folks. How are we all? I am very well thank you very much for asking. As you know every so often I have a divergence from the serious side of things and have an alternative post. Most of the time it’s photographic but this time I thought I’d have a musical interlude for a change.

I stumbled upon this young lady quite by accident while actually looking for another drumming video. I am not going to prattle on too much…..I will let this talent speak for itself.

In a world of today when it seems all young girls want to be the next xxxxxx or aspires to be the next reality star or fame is everything because it avoids actually living in the real world…..this girl is a breath of fresh air….

 

I hope you enjoyed and go on to listen / watch many more of her videos. Subscribe to her channel and even support her on Patreon. The world needs many many more like her.

That was all I really wanted to share. I suppose the message would be……dare to be different, break the mould, have your own mind, don’t be who or what the world wants you to be. And ROCK THE FUCK OUT!!!

’til next time….lots of love, take care

 

Steven x

#gsss #mentalhealthawareness #BWS #autism

 

Learning, cleansing

Hello everyone, me again.

Today finds me in a confused state of mind. Today finds me in a very selfish state of mind. Today finds me in that way where you just shut your eyes as hard as you can, take a deep breath, and then try and breathe out everything that’s inside you. 

A good friend of mine did me a reading this morning and as always my angels set me back on course. I’m not going to go into any detail but I will say a few words on it if I may….

I will continue to keep my heart open. It is not in my nature to close it off to the world. I am here to give love and light. However… that love and light will only be given to those who come to me. I am sick, tired and hurt by searching and reaching out. My heart is open, and I’m not just talking about for love and that side of things, but for anyone that needs it, but I am taking care of it more from now on. I have such a massive amount of love and care to give but whoever wants it will have to come to me to get it. 

Life brings you lessons all the time. Some fun, some gentle, some very very harsh. 

I’ve been told to have more fun in my life. Now that’s damn bloody true! So that’s what I’m going to do. I have my son and college to concentrate on anyway. I’ll continue to indulge in my passions. I can’t be bothered trying to fit in with people anymore. It causes me nothing but stress and pain. 

So, I’m cleansing my heart and mind and soul, and moving on. If anyone wants to come with me, that will be good. If you don’t, I won’t be chasing or begging. 

Thank you so much to all those who care and help me through life. I’ll always be here to help you in any way I can. 

Just a short one then really. Will talk soon. I’m off to go and sit down, close my eyes, reach within, and let it all go. Lots of love and light to you all. 

Steven x

#gsss #mentalhealthawareness #bws 

A Day Of Two Halves

13.01.17

 

I’m on the edge right now. That bit in between letting everything go completely and trying to hold it all together and keep going. Where you want to do things, you know you have to, but you would rather fall apart instead and just start again from absolutely nothing. I’m at that point right now where reason is hard to come by. You know you have to try and think rationally and evaluate everything and process everything systematically and logically, but that’s out of the window at the moment. Ha, it’s gone out the window, took a left and fucked off into town.

Hopeless, helpless, energy-less. Something’s got to give. And it’s so close to being me. I don’t know if people understand what it’s like to have the thought inside your head that “absolutely everything you think and want to say, means nothing to anyone”. Yeah I know the reply……of course it does, stop talking rubbish etc etc, but you know I’d give anything for it to be that easy. I’d give anything to be rid of all this in my head. To be able to put one foot in front of the other without it taking so much effort.

That was typed on the morning of Tuesday 10th. On my way to college, first day after Christmas holidays. Feeling anxious about going back and worrying if I was up to date with everything. One or two other things too that I’m not going to go into, but then again, I couldn’t give a single f*** about those.

This is what happened on the way home……

I boarded the train home at Edinburgh Waverley and spent a leisurely 20 minutes waiting for the off. The train wasn’t packed but started to fill up and then we were away. Got to Haymarket and the rest of the world piled on.

A young girl got on and sat opposite me in the little 2 facing 2 seats bit I was in. I am only guessing but she looked around 15/16 years old. So she plonked herself down with her phone in her hand, earphones in, baggy jumper with the sleeves pulled over her hands, and did what every teenager does these days….starts typing on her phone at a speed only slow motion cameras could pick up and see properly. Anyway, a few minutes out of Haymarket, after some furious screen tapping, I looked up and saw her out her hand to her mouth suddenly. Cliche alert, but I knew something wasn’t right. She was trying so hard and then her sniffs got louder, more often, and longer. I looked again and I could see the tears.

I looked around the little section of carriage I was in, and every single person was looking the other way or face buried in their mobile phone, desperately trying to avoid or block out what I’m sure to them would have been this annoyance “when all they wanted to do was to get home”. It was while I was looking around that she started sobbing really badly. Me being me, my heart was breaking and pretty much on instinct and to hell with everything, I leaned over put my hand on her forearm slightly and asked the universally stupid question that is “are you okay?”.

She shrugged her shoulders, shook her head, and silently replied….no. To be honest I didn’t really know what to do to help her, so I did the only thing I know that would have helped me in that situation. I moved my bag on the floor, knelt down, and just wrapped my arms around her, and let her cry into my shoulder for as long as she needed to. It was probably less than a minute. I didn’t care though how long, nothing mattered at that point except this poor girl who for whatever reason was in pain. I couldn’t give a shit what anyone else thought at the time.

Unfortunately I had to get off the train shortly after. So I looked at her and told her everything would be okay, and stood up to get off the train. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to leave a person in suffering.

I can only hope that whatever was wrong is okay now or was that evening.

So, there you go, never a dull moment eh. But I shared a brief account of this on Facebook and a little more in detail here basically because of a few points……

  1. You never ever know what anyone is going through. We are all a bunch of individual strangers mostly and it doesn’t matter how big or small anyone’s issues are, they are relevant to that individual and therefore must be respected. Agreed with, perhaps not, but respected they must be. I sound like Yoda there haha.
  1. As the brilliant song says….”Care for your fellow man, lend them a helping hand, put a little love in your heart.”

It’s not that difficult, honestly, I mean it. The sad thing is that I know for a fact there will have been some on that train on Tuesday either frowning upon that girl or pitying her. And probably looking at me like I was some kind of weirdo. That is the saddest part of it for me. People have been engineered basically to be so inward looking and have been indoctrinated into an “every person for themselves” mentality over the last 2-3 decades. Unless it’s your family or close friends….no one actually gives a shit any more. No one gives a shit or cares about anyone. It’s even too much for everyone these days to even to bother looking at their fellow human beings, let alone smile at one another. Talk to them!? Oh God no, can’t do that, they’ll think I’m fucking mental!

Ridiculous isn’t it.

  1. A couple of people (and no I’m not telling them off here lol) mentioned in comment that I must have felt good about myself to have did what I did, but honestly? No, I didn’t. I didn’t because to me it’s not a big deal, it was my basic human instinct to care that kicked in. I didn’t even think actually. Which could have been wrong, you never know, the lass could’ve told me to f-off or mind my own business, but it was that fundamental feeling and instinct inside of me to help that took over and I’m glad it did, but not for my own self worth, but for hers. I hope I did make a difference, not to me or for me, but for her. I felt more upset that I had to leave her like that.

But we all have it. We all have that little voice in our head……it’s called a conscience. No one is expecting you to suddenly become a humanitarian of epic proportions and go off travelling the globe and performing miracles! But helping someone in distress shouldn’t be a case of “I wonder what everyone will think of me if……”. Listen to that voice because the more you do, the better a person you will be, trust me. It’s all the minute and large good things that have been instilled in you by your parents, the world around you. It’s all the little nuggets of wisdom imparted to you by your grandparents or mad uncles. Some things don’t require deep thought and consideration, or analysis to the ‘nth degree……you know what they are already, so stop making life so complicated when it comes to helping or caring or loving or supporting. Just do them.

Put a little love in your heart, and the hearts of others.

Lots of love

Steven x

New Year, Same S**t

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03/01/17

Hiya folks. Happy New Year. I hope you had a good Christmas or whatever you celebrate  or if you celebrate at all, and whatever New Year you chose to have. I had my Christmas day on the 24th really as I had Hayden overnight from the day before. Christmas day was pretty quiet and chilled, as was Hogmany/New Year. Just the way I like it.

Enjoyed the break from college too. Hardly been out. Was at Bo’ness on the 27th and as of that evening, ended up ill. Bloody virus of some sort I think. Was feeling hellish for a week. Back to college on the 10th, so I’ll have to start getting back into things. Truth is, I’m struggling with all the things we have to do all at once, for different aspects of the classes. I’m finding it so difficult trying to switch my mind between the portfolio stuff, and then studio, and then file optimization. I’ve always been a person who wants to, when given something to do, put my all and full concentration into that task until it is complete. Chopping and changing all the time isn’t good for me. I really need to get my head out my arse though and just concentrate. Get back in the groove. The day we broke up for the Christmas holiday, I was told something that really really hurt me. I’m not going to go into detail, but basically someone thinks something of me and proceeded to tell whoever would listen, and now I can’t but think I am looked at by my classmates in a way that totally misrepresents exactly who I am. As I say, to say this has hurt me is an understatement and I was very very close to quitting my course. I am actually not looking forward to going back. I’m torn between “fuck you all and I don’t give a shit what any of you think of me” and being my normal self, thinking of others, wanting to help etc. I’m slowly leaning towards the first. I just don’t need the stress. Just knuckle down and get on with things.

 

Well, life has conspired to give me another kick in the gut. All I want to say is…..I’m single again. Right now I’m at the stage of numbness and all that crap. I’m not going to rhyme off all the usual cliches and crap quotes and all that shite. The world keeps spinning and that’s that.

So onwards we go eh. To be honest I’m getting rather sick and tired of it all. Maybe one of these days I’ll stop caring enough so I can be just like everyone else. Ach whatever happens, happens. Right now I just want to get off the planet and rest among the stars for a while.

See you soon

Steven x