Everything’s Good…

When you feel everything and feel nothing. When you feel so much at the same time it makes your head hurt and your mind start to shake. When you feel so much in despair that you can’t move. When you feel you’re not good enough for people. When you feel you have no reason for feeling so shitty but you do, and it confuses you and hurts you and hurts those around you. When you can’t explain things and that annoys and upsets folk. When you get overwhelmed by the most everyday things, then do nothing, and feel shit and useless because of it, and someone else ends up having to do it and it makes you feel like you’re taking the piss. When you have so much in your head that it overwhelms you…and you say “one thing at a time”…and still can’t manage that. When you worry what others think of you all the time. When you feel such a shit person for putting people through what you have. When things are said that bear no relation to you, and you think they do. When you’re so scared of losing everything because of the way you are.  When you hold back the tears every single day because you’re scared they won’t stop if you start. When you feel so pathetic for feeling so pathetic. When you find yourself staring at space, or the wall, with everything running around your head.

If I’m doing other things when I’m around you or with you it’s because I’m scared. It’s because I’m trying to keep busy and away from myself….not you. It’s because I think I don’t have anything interesting to talk about…or anything that you will find interesting…even though you might! I convince myself that no one is, because it’s only me, and unless you ask me then my stupid head tells me to shut up because i’ll just be annoying you.

Every night I go to bed, sometimes eventually late, because that time in between going to bed and falling asleep I am within my own mind and the chaos and worry and darkness, and I’m shattered. My mind is shattered. It’s burnt out. This is going to sound really really stupid….but some nights it feels like I wish my mind could cry, and burst, and release, but not me physically.

And all through this we have a life to live each day.

And then I sit here for twenty minutes thinking whether I should just delete everything I’ve just written because who wants to listen to my shite. Who wants to put up with it all. The constant battles and arguments and thoughts that hammer around in there are terrifying sometimes. They’re evil and hurt and if you let your guard down they will hurt you, and more. I damn well f*****g hate myself sometimes,because of the way I am with people sometimes



Then There Was Cardenden


Hello everyone! How are we doing?

As promised here is a little update on life since my last post (prior to my actual last post haha).

I have made my way deeper into Fife lol, after moving back to live with my parents for a while, along came a girl called Kelly and whisked me back over the Forth again. It never ceases to astound and beffudle me how one minute you don’t know a person and then two letters later…Hi….you start on a brand new chapter of your story upon this earth. I could, as always, bang out all the old cliches….so I will! We are approaching 6 months together but feels like so much more. Simply because we work so well and respect each other and are in it for each other and not for ourselves. We don’t really have time for ourselves lol, we have 6 boys between us! Her 4 and my 2. Both of us have been accepted so warmly and lovingly by our respective families, Kelly and the boys adore my parents and step-parents. And I can’t thank Kelly’s friends and family for making me feel loved and part of their lives, it’s an honour and privilege.

I am, as of tomorrow, on school holidays. My NC in photography is at an end and I have the pleasure of telling you all that I have passed! 🙂 and…..met the conditions required to be invited on to do my HNC next year 🙂 To say I’m chuffed is a tad understating it, I’m mega thrilled. Not all of us get to study our passions in life and for the past 10 months I have been able to do just that. Asides from the hope of making a little money from it (have to be honest), bringing the world or even just a tiny bit of it at least is something very dear to me. My photography is a representation of me personally which is why you won’t see too many ‘postcard’ shots or anything that has been done to death by thousands of others. To me photography is a window to someones soul, their essence, their mind. When you show anyone your work you are bearing your self to them and letting them in to your world. Which is bloody scary, because you are willingly letting yourself be open to being hurt. All I ever want from anyone when they look at my photos (apart from the ones intended to be ‘snaps’) is for them to say…..”I haven’t seen that before” or “I haven’t seen that from there before” or simply “that’s a little different”. Because if you know me, you know that I like that D-word 🙂


A little of what I have been up to over the last few months.

I can’t wait to see what the HN throws up and what challenges I will face. All I know is that I am really looking forward to learning so much more about something I love so much. I hope you enjoy my view of the world through my camera viewfinder. I can’t mention photography and my passion for it without alluding to the effect it has on my mental health. No prizes for guessing that it helps massively. Having the freedom to jump in the car and explore and travel to wherever then having the time to relax and take in the place before capturing it forever is priceless. I’m lucky to have a few things where my mind can escape and be happy and content.

I have been continuing to see Hayden every other Sunday which has been awesome. As always there has been moments I have slipped and not contacted him for maybe up to a week, but I am trying (very trying some would say!) and even though I will have failures I am determined not to put him through the crap I have done in the past. I will not let myself. He is doing great 🙂 Goes into P7 after the holidays and growing up so fast, although he’s more intelligent than his age which is both a blessing and a curse haha.

Looking forward to Saturday. Kelly, Max and myself are going on a special train excursion to Blackpool and back, behind locomotive 37025 ‘Inverness TMD’ I’m sure there will be photos of that in the next post hehe.

So that’s about it really, I’ve probably missed a lot of course, but these things have been taking up the majority of my time since the turn of the year. So it’s time to switch off my head, enjoy my holidays, take photos without any pressure and bloody well enjoy life for a while like the rest of damn world!

Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other. Love, understand, empathise, be selfless, care and nurture.

Lots of love

Steven x

#gsss #mentalhealthawareness #mydearfriendincanada

Uh-oh, He’s Back


Hello there everyone!

I have somewhat neglected my poor little blog for months 😦 Main reason being that I have as usual gone through some emotional upheaval, life upheaval, and moved on and moved places and generally did some life things.

I do need to start blogging regularly again as it really does help and I don’t want to get stuck in that mental foggy forest where I get lost and end up losing myself. So I just thought I’d say hello and let everyone know I’m doing more than okay for a change.

There is so much to tell you, if you don’t follow me on Farcespace that is, and I don’t have the time at the moment. Waiting on my lift home from college.

I promise I will catch up within the next few days okay.

Lots of love




Hiya folks. How are we all? I am very well thank you very much for asking. As you know every so often I have a divergence from the serious side of things and have an alternative post. Most of the time it’s photographic but this time I thought I’d have a musical interlude for a change.

I stumbled upon this young lady quite by accident while actually looking for another drumming video. I am not going to prattle on too much…..I will let this talent speak for itself.

In a world of today when it seems all young girls want to be the next xxxxxx or aspires to be the next reality star or fame is everything because it avoids actually living in the real world…..this girl is a breath of fresh air….


I hope you enjoyed and go on to listen / watch many more of her videos. Subscribe to her channel and even support her on Patreon. The world needs many many more like her.

That was all I really wanted to share. I suppose the message would be……dare to be different, break the mould, have your own mind, don’t be who or what the world wants you to be. And ROCK THE FUCK OUT!!!

’til next time….lots of love, take care


Steven x

#gsss #mentalhealthawareness #BWS #autism


Learning, cleansing

Hello everyone, me again.

Today finds me in a confused state of mind. Today finds me in a very selfish state of mind. Today finds me in that way where you just shut your eyes as hard as you can, take a deep breath, and then try and breathe out everything that’s inside you. 

A good friend of mine did me a reading this morning and as always my angels set me back on course. I’m not going to go into any detail but I will say a few words on it if I may….

I will continue to keep my heart open. It is not in my nature to close it off to the world. I am here to give love and light. However… that love and light will only be given to those who come to me. I am sick, tired and hurt by searching and reaching out. My heart is open, and I’m not just talking about for love and that side of things, but for anyone that needs it, but I am taking care of it more from now on. I have such a massive amount of love and care to give but whoever wants it will have to come to me to get it. 

Life brings you lessons all the time. Some fun, some gentle, some very very harsh. 

I’ve been told to have more fun in my life. Now that’s damn bloody true! So that’s what I’m going to do. I have my son and college to concentrate on anyway. I’ll continue to indulge in my passions. I can’t be bothered trying to fit in with people anymore. It causes me nothing but stress and pain. 

So, I’m cleansing my heart and mind and soul, and moving on. If anyone wants to come with me, that will be good. If you don’t, I won’t be chasing or begging. 

Thank you so much to all those who care and help me through life. I’ll always be here to help you in any way I can. 

Just a short one then really. Will talk soon. I’m off to go and sit down, close my eyes, reach within, and let it all go. Lots of love and light to you all. 

Steven x

#gsss #mentalhealthawareness #bws 

A Day Of Two Halves



I’m on the edge right now. That bit in between letting everything go completely and trying to hold it all together and keep going. Where you want to do things, you know you have to, but you would rather fall apart instead and just start again from absolutely nothing. I’m at that point right now where reason is hard to come by. You know you have to try and think rationally and evaluate everything and process everything systematically and logically, but that’s out of the window at the moment. Ha, it’s gone out the window, took a left and fucked off into town.

Hopeless, helpless, energy-less. Something’s got to give. And it’s so close to being me. I don’t know if people understand what it’s like to have the thought inside your head that “absolutely everything you think and want to say, means nothing to anyone”. Yeah I know the reply……of course it does, stop talking rubbish etc etc, but you know I’d give anything for it to be that easy. I’d give anything to be rid of all this in my head. To be able to put one foot in front of the other without it taking so much effort.

That was typed on the morning of Tuesday 10th. On my way to college, first day after Christmas holidays. Feeling anxious about going back and worrying if I was up to date with everything. One or two other things too that I’m not going to go into, but then again, I couldn’t give a single f*** about those.

This is what happened on the way home……

I boarded the train home at Edinburgh Waverley and spent a leisurely 20 minutes waiting for the off. The train wasn’t packed but started to fill up and then we were away. Got to Haymarket and the rest of the world piled on.

A young girl got on and sat opposite me in the little 2 facing 2 seats bit I was in. I am only guessing but she looked around 15/16 years old. So she plonked herself down with her phone in her hand, earphones in, baggy jumper with the sleeves pulled over her hands, and did what every teenager does these days….starts typing on her phone at a speed only slow motion cameras could pick up and see properly. Anyway, a few minutes out of Haymarket, after some furious screen tapping, I looked up and saw her out her hand to her mouth suddenly. Cliche alert, but I knew something wasn’t right. She was trying so hard and then her sniffs got louder, more often, and longer. I looked again and I could see the tears.

I looked around the little section of carriage I was in, and every single person was looking the other way or face buried in their mobile phone, desperately trying to avoid or block out what I’m sure to them would have been this annoyance “when all they wanted to do was to get home”. It was while I was looking around that she started sobbing really badly. Me being me, my heart was breaking and pretty much on instinct and to hell with everything, I leaned over put my hand on her forearm slightly and asked the universally stupid question that is “are you okay?”.

She shrugged her shoulders, shook her head, and silently replied….no. To be honest I didn’t really know what to do to help her, so I did the only thing I know that would have helped me in that situation. I moved my bag on the floor, knelt down, and just wrapped my arms around her, and let her cry into my shoulder for as long as she needed to. It was probably less than a minute. I didn’t care though how long, nothing mattered at that point except this poor girl who for whatever reason was in pain. I couldn’t give a shit what anyone else thought at the time.

Unfortunately I had to get off the train shortly after. So I looked at her and told her everything would be okay, and stood up to get off the train. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to leave a person in suffering.

I can only hope that whatever was wrong is okay now or was that evening.

So, there you go, never a dull moment eh. But I shared a brief account of this on Facebook and a little more in detail here basically because of a few points……

  1. You never ever know what anyone is going through. We are all a bunch of individual strangers mostly and it doesn’t matter how big or small anyone’s issues are, they are relevant to that individual and therefore must be respected. Agreed with, perhaps not, but respected they must be. I sound like Yoda there haha.
  1. As the brilliant song says….”Care for your fellow man, lend them a helping hand, put a little love in your heart.”

It’s not that difficult, honestly, I mean it. The sad thing is that I know for a fact there will have been some on that train on Tuesday either frowning upon that girl or pitying her. And probably looking at me like I was some kind of weirdo. That is the saddest part of it for me. People have been engineered basically to be so inward looking and have been indoctrinated into an “every person for themselves” mentality over the last 2-3 decades. Unless it’s your family or close friends….no one actually gives a shit any more. No one gives a shit or cares about anyone. It’s even too much for everyone these days to even to bother looking at their fellow human beings, let alone smile at one another. Talk to them!? Oh God no, can’t do that, they’ll think I’m fucking mental!

Ridiculous isn’t it.

  1. A couple of people (and no I’m not telling them off here lol) mentioned in comment that I must have felt good about myself to have did what I did, but honestly? No, I didn’t. I didn’t because to me it’s not a big deal, it was my basic human instinct to care that kicked in. I didn’t even think actually. Which could have been wrong, you never know, the lass could’ve told me to f-off or mind my own business, but it was that fundamental feeling and instinct inside of me to help that took over and I’m glad it did, but not for my own self worth, but for hers. I hope I did make a difference, not to me or for me, but for her. I felt more upset that I had to leave her like that.

But we all have it. We all have that little voice in our head……it’s called a conscience. No one is expecting you to suddenly become a humanitarian of epic proportions and go off travelling the globe and performing miracles! But helping someone in distress shouldn’t be a case of “I wonder what everyone will think of me if……”. Listen to that voice because the more you do, the better a person you will be, trust me. It’s all the minute and large good things that have been instilled in you by your parents, the world around you. It’s all the little nuggets of wisdom imparted to you by your grandparents or mad uncles. Some things don’t require deep thought and consideration, or analysis to the ‘nth degree……you know what they are already, so stop making life so complicated when it comes to helping or caring or loving or supporting. Just do them.

Put a little love in your heart, and the hearts of others.

Lots of love

Steven x

New Year, Same S**t



Hiya folks. Happy New Year. I hope you had a good Christmas or whatever you celebrate  or if you celebrate at all, and whatever New Year you chose to have. I had my Christmas day on the 24th really as I had Hayden overnight from the day before. Christmas day was pretty quiet and chilled, as was Hogmany/New Year. Just the way I like it.

Enjoyed the break from college too. Hardly been out. Was at Bo’ness on the 27th and as of that evening, ended up ill. Bloody virus of some sort I think. Was feeling hellish for a week. Back to college on the 10th, so I’ll have to start getting back into things. Truth is, I’m struggling with all the things we have to do all at once, for different aspects of the classes. I’m finding it so difficult trying to switch my mind between the portfolio stuff, and then studio, and then file optimization. I’ve always been a person who wants to, when given something to do, put my all and full concentration into that task until it is complete. Chopping and changing all the time isn’t good for me. I really need to get my head out my arse though and just concentrate. Get back in the groove. The day we broke up for the Christmas holiday, I was told something that really really hurt me. I’m not going to go into detail, but basically someone thinks something of me and proceeded to tell whoever would listen, and now I can’t but think I am looked at by my classmates in a way that totally misrepresents exactly who I am. As I say, to say this has hurt me is an understatement and I was very very close to quitting my course. I am actually not looking forward to going back. I’m torn between “fuck you all and I don’t give a shit what any of you think of me” and being my normal self, thinking of others, wanting to help etc. I’m slowly leaning towards the first. I just don’t need the stress. Just knuckle down and get on with things.


Well, life has conspired to give me another kick in the gut. All I want to say is…..I’m single again. Right now I’m at the stage of numbness and all that crap. I’m not going to rhyme off all the usual cliches and crap quotes and all that shite. The world keeps spinning and that’s that.

So onwards we go eh. To be honest I’m getting rather sick and tired of it all. Maybe one of these days I’ll stop caring enough so I can be just like everyone else. Ach whatever happens, happens. Right now I just want to get off the planet and rest among the stars for a while.

See you soon

Steven x




The Alternative Angle



Hiya everyone. I thought I’d have a little chat before I switch off for a few weeks. I finish up at college on Friday, officially, but Thursday unofficially and don’t go back ’til the 10th of January. Of course with it being college I won’t really be off. Always something to be doing even if it’s not taking photos.

I was talking to a friend of mine last night and it made me realise that being able to study, learn, get to spend the time and get lost in something that I love so much is such a privilege and restored my belief in what I’m doing. Whenever you have a lot of work to do it can get overwhelming and you start to think you can’t cope

I just love seeing the world differently to others. I always have done, and photography lets me express who I am in my heart and my mind. I love the looks I get when I’m lying down on the floor or ground somewhere, or looking weird all bent and skewed at strange angles, then show that person my camera screen and see the look on their face when they see what I was taking haha. Yeah it can be egotistical sometimes, who doesn’t like praise or to be appreciated for their craft, but my urge isn’t for folk to say “wow, you are good”, it’s to hopefully get them thinking a little differently about their surroundings and how they’ve always seen things. A few feet drop between standing and crouching / lying down gives a whole new look to a shot. Step to the side a little. I don’t want the ‘perfect’ shot, the ‘poster’ or ‘calendar’shot, I aim for something you don’t see, or the angle you never consider, just something different. A useful question to keep in your head as an artist of any kind is….”what if I did this?…..”. I don’t care if you think I’m being pompous but I’m bloody proud of myself for wanting to be different. I always have been, even as a kid.

My 3 tutors are absolutely phenomenal too. They all help me (perhaps unknown to them) in different ways and along with the belief shown in me by my girlfriend, keep me going when I think I’m going nowhere. One encourages my creativity and the way I take my photos and what I see through the viewfinder. One has instilled an honest and critical side in myself to say “is that really that good?”, “is this shot really the best it could be?”. And the third one I love talking all things photography with who understands my perspective, my thoughts and ideas and always wants to listen to my ramblings about all aspects of the art. This is invaluable, in fact it is something very special to me. Having grown up thinking that I’m not right for thinking differently I now have an outlet where I can be myself and express myself without judgement and indeed be appreciated even if my opinion differs from theirs. They respect the way I see things and I in return respect anything they say or do to help me in my creative process as a guidance and a will for me to be the best I can. So I can only say thank you very very much for all of their help and belief.

The other week I had the pleasure of doing a friend a favour and getting valuable practice by documenting a fundraising event at her college. She is doing Event Management and through her and another 2 of her classmates I will be doing another 2 events in the new year! One of them being the Pride Of West Lothian Awards, the other is another fundraising event, this time for a youth football team. I enjoyed my day at West Lothian College so much and it was brilliant research, learning and experience towards my NC and my own personal journey. I can’t wait ’til March for the awards. I will need to get some practice in for that haha.

So things personally are going as well as can be. They are going well, so I will take that. I’m not going to go overboard and mental because you know what happens. As another year draws to a close I sit and reflect as we all do and review the year just gone, and again it’s been a year full of great highs and some serious lows and a very serious event. At least I’m not boring eh hahaha. The one thing I intend to do more and learn more is to believe in myself. Belief in the skills I have and believe that I am capable of becoming even better and that I will do so.

Make every moment count, use every minute on this earth to do something with myself. Keep busy, don’t let my mind get the better of me. Work hard and use that to keep my mind busy. Take my time, try not to get overwhelmed and take things bit by bit. Just enjoy college, don’t let anything get to me and concentrate on myself. Sod trying to help anyone but myself.

So, I’ll see you in the new year folks. Have a wonderful Christmas and new year. Remember to stay humble and appreciate that not everyone will be doing what you’re doing. Shout out to all those who are caring and nursing and keeping us safe. Take care everyone. Lots of love.

Steven x

#gsss #mentalhealthawareness

I’m Defecting



Hello there everyone, good to see you! How are you all? Time for a little update on life, and time to put a big f’n curse on it all haha! Because at the moment life is for the first time in a very long time, absolutely brilliant. I am so happy. So I am now going to bore you with it all, it’s okay I won’t mind if you hit the ‘x’ button now haha. For those of you that have stayed, here’s what’s been happening…….

As you may or may not know I am at college. Fife College to be exact, studying NC Photography and despite being a bit snowed under and behind with all the written work, absolutely loving it. I get to go out almost every day and take photos of the world as I see it and express myself through my ‘art’ so to speak. Also we are getting taught the studio and film side of photography and this, despite the trepidation and learning a bundle of new stuff, is mind-blowing and amazing. I never ever thought I would be able to do something like this……


….and have my own watermark (bottom left of my shots) and be on the way to my dream of doing what I love for a living.


Being able to produce things like the above shot that rattle around in my brain. If anyone requires a description of what that photo is depicting then feel free to get in touch.

It is amazing and a really cool experience to be able to show the world the way I see the world……in photos, not just in the shots, but the fact that as a photographer I see the world in 360 and through a rectangle. We recently watched a small portion of a documentary about the life and work of Anna-Lou “Annie” Leibovitz and one thing she said really struck a chord with me. At one point when describing where her passion for photography came from she said a great part of it was from the fact she traveled a lot in the car of her parents’ and saw the world going past through the frame of the car window, and I instantly thought “wow! that sounds just like me”. But we didn’t have a car…..

So as I sat there trying to listen to her talk, I drifted off back to my own childhood and thought to myself..”I wonder if my love of photography was first instilled as a result of the travelling I did as a child, on so many trains”? I know that sounds a little daft to some but when I think about the fact that when I was a child we had no mobile phones and not everyone or family owned a camera, so as I traveled up and down and across the country on trains, I had only my memory to take snapshots with, and when you consider sitting there looking out through the limited view of a rectangular train window, I don’t think there’s any doubt that this has influenced my love for photography and the urge to document my world from a different angle than others. But I love that about myself, It means I am unique and not a sheep and someone who takes different photos from the rest. And long may it continue.

I have my student funding finally sorted, so I can contribute to my lodgings and my parents. I can also contribute towards the upbringing and security financially of my son. Which is a massive relief. Also I can now afford to actually take him places again like we used to. We have been slowly building things back up after me letting things slip. I will be seeing him tomorrow 🙂 . Be able to take him out properly for the first time in far too long.

So what else…….my Equinox is back to her old self after being ill and stressed. Never put her through anything like that ever again. Her fur is growing back beautifully and getting fed like a queen lol.

My previous post was such a down one and at that point I was just so stressed by everything and it looked like I would be denied something very very special. What a difference to the state I’m in as I type this one.

I have an income. I have my son. I am doing something I love. I have a roof over my head which I can now contribute towards. My cat is healthy. I am back in my rehab programme to get my cardiac and general fitness back again. Oh, and I almost forgot (not really honey, just messing)…..I am head over heels, arse over elbow, in love with a most amazing beautiful and special woman. I son’t think it’s any coincidence that her name is Angela (with me being spiritual and guided by angels). Even typing her name brings me a massive smile and so much joy. I am so much in love it is both amazing and surreal at the same time lol. This time I don’t need any convincing or analysis or questioning of myself. This angel makes me feel like I’ve never felt before. I feel like a teenager who has just got his first girlfriend and that girl is everything you could ever wish for. I have that feeling of total disbelief that I have been so lucky to met her (although I don’t believe in luck)  but utter joy and love that my heart could explode at any minute. I am not ashamed to say that I have cried a couple of times tears of happiness and love because it is overwhelming the feelings I have for this woman. It hurts like hell when we’re apart, feels like I am floating and flying when I’m with her. Feels like my heart will burst with joy and pride when I look into her eyes. It’s that feeling where the words I’m typing aren’t enough and you end up just looking at people like a gormless daft idiot and shrugging your shoulders and saying “I…just…am. I…just….do!” when they ask you if you are in love. She makes me so happy and content and loved and cared for. And she is slowly teaching me to appreciate that she is like the way she is because she wants to make me happy and feel the same way I make her feel. And she’s teaching me to accept compliments, which has always been a problem for me down to my self-esteem and confidence.

But as Angela and I were talking over a phenomenal Costa hot chocolate, I came to realise that I’ve had enough of being beaten by my own mind. Had enough of sabotaging my happiness and accepting that I am better than what I think I am and that I deserve to be happy just like anyone else. So it’s a case now of “Cheggs, live your bloody life! Enjoy what you have, enjoy what you have to come! I can, and WILL be happy. I WILL be a success. Let myself be genuinely loved, by someone who genuinely loves me. Let’s defect to the Optimistic Army.

So that’s about it I guess. Time to get on with things and do the best I can with it all. And look forward to a future filled with hope and love with a warmth in my soul, a light in my spirit and a passion in my heart.

Take care everyone. We will talk again very soon. Look after each other okay.

“Think of your fellow man. Lend him a helping hand. Put a little love in your heart”

Steven x

#gsss # mentalhealthawarenes #BWS


Why Did It Need To Be So High


Life is so shit sometimes. All it does is rip your heart to pieces and leaves you in a heap on the floor, laughs at you, then fucks off. I’m sitting here with a million things in my head, wanting to say so much, talk about so much, but just feel numb and tired and hopeless and not worthy of anyone. Before you shout at me, I know it isn’t the case, but you try telling my mind that right now.

People always say to me “you never seem to get excited about stuff”. Or try to be happy more and this and that. You know why? Because it’s a long way down. And it hurts more when the inevitable happens and I’m thrown back on the ground, and then given a boot to the gut as an added bonus. You would get scared too if every single time in your whole life if anything good or truly special came your way, something always happened to rip that to pieces, to reach in to your heart and soul and destroy them.

Intermission : feline asleep on keyboard.


Decided to leave it ’til the next morning. So I’m back at 11.46. Nearly afternoon ffs. Reason for that: cried from midnight ’til 3am when I think I finally fell asleep. Woke up at half 8 and cried again. Lay in bed for 3 hours with the cat because the thought of facing the day in pain and confusion and numbness wasn’t a very nice prospect.

Anyway, where was I? Yeah, things are either pretty down at the moment or in limbo. I’m kind of existing, just, and floating about until a few things get sorted (I hope!). It’s a shit place to be. I feel like I’m either a burden on people or I’m in the way or just plain annoying them. I can’t contribute to anything. I can’t go anywhere or visit anywhere to take photos for college. It’s absolutely shit being so emotional and sensitive, and broken.

I need to keep busy, need to be occupied. Thank whoever for this blog because I would only just suffer in silence. And even then I sit and think “does anyone really want to read my constant rubbish and emotional crap?”. But here I am, so if anyone doesn’t want to read it then there’s always the ‘X’ at the top right corner. Honesty lets you the people you deserve in your life, and lets you see who does genuinely care.

If who I am and how I am, how I feel, how I act, how I want to be the person I want to be, is not to anyone’s liking then I make no apologies in saying please leave me alone. I am in charge of my destiny and my life and I won’t rely anymore on others for my happiness. I’m sick of it being me who always tries to adapt myself to fit in or please others or be with them. I’m just as important as anyone else in this world and I deserve to be liked, loved and wanted because of who I actually am, and not who I or anyone else thinks I should be. If anyone wants me, I’m here, but if any of my faults, or my personality, or whatever doesn’t suit then I’m not going to change ME.

I am in a constant battle I know and we trade blows and one gets the upper hand every so often. Right now it’s that side that makes you stare at a wall for 2 hours with everything and nothing going through your mind. Having a million things to say but you don’t, because you feel it’s not worth it, or it doesn’t mean anything to anyone. I’m lucky though, so lucky that I have some people that understand, genuinely understand and want to help me. I honestly and truthfully will tell you this…..If it wasn’t for a certain few people in this world, I would not be here right now. And that is a fact. It is a horrible horrible place your mind takes you sometimes. But while there is light in the day, and I have even the tiniest bit of love in my heart, I will fight on. I will fight because my son needs me.

This is only temporary though. This is not life. I must keep moving. Keep believing.

If you are reading this and there is someone in your life who you love beyond all human emotion please go and tell them right now. Don’t take that love for granted. Don’t wait until there is a “if only”. Love is the one thing that can turn this world into the best place to be. Be that world for someone. Love will bring me out of the darkness.

Look after each other

Steven x

p.s I love you x

#gsss #mentalhealthawareness