A Day Of Two Halves



I’m on the edge right now. That bit in between letting everything go completely and trying to hold it all together and keep going. Where you want to do things, you know you have to, but you would rather fall apart instead and just start again from absolutely nothing. I’m at that point right now where reason is hard to come by. You know you have to try and think rationally and evaluate everything and process everything systematically and logically, but that’s out of the window at the moment. Ha, it’s gone out the window, took a left and fucked off into town.

Hopeless, helpless, energy-less. Something’s got to give. And it’s so close to being me. I don’t know if people understand what it’s like to have the thought inside your head that “absolutely everything you think and want to say, means nothing to anyone”. Yeah I know the reply……of course it does, stop talking rubbish etc etc, but you know I’d give anything for it to be that easy. I’d give anything to be rid of all this in my head. To be able to put one foot in front of the other without it taking so much effort.

That was typed on the morning of Tuesday 10th. On my way to college, first day after Christmas holidays. Feeling anxious about going back and worrying if I was up to date with everything. One or two other things too that I’m not going to go into, but then again, I couldn’t give a single f*** about those.

This is what happened on the way home……

I boarded the train home at Edinburgh Waverley and spent a leisurely 20 minutes waiting for the off. The train wasn’t packed but started to fill up and then we were away. Got to Haymarket and the rest of the world piled on.

A young girl got on and sat opposite me in the little 2 facing 2 seats bit I was in. I am only guessing but she looked around 15/16 years old. So she plonked herself down with her phone in her hand, earphones in, baggy jumper with the sleeves pulled over her hands, and did what every teenager does these days….starts typing on her phone at a speed only slow motion cameras could pick up and see properly. Anyway, a few minutes out of Haymarket, after some furious screen tapping, I looked up and saw her out her hand to her mouth suddenly. Cliche alert, but I knew something wasn’t right. She was trying so hard and then her sniffs got louder, more often, and longer. I looked again and I could see the tears.

I looked around the little section of carriage I was in, and every single person was looking the other way or face buried in their mobile phone, desperately trying to avoid or block out what I’m sure to them would have been this annoyance “when all they wanted to do was to get home”. It was while I was looking around that she started sobbing really badly. Me being me, my heart was breaking and pretty much on instinct and to hell with everything, I leaned over put my hand on her forearm slightly and asked the universally stupid question that is “are you okay?”.

She shrugged her shoulders, shook her head, and silently replied….no. To be honest I didn’t really know what to do to help her, so I did the only thing I know that would have helped me in that situation. I moved my bag on the floor, knelt down, and just wrapped my arms around her, and let her cry into my shoulder for as long as she needed to. It was probably less than a minute. I didn’t care though how long, nothing mattered at that point except this poor girl who for whatever reason was in pain. I couldn’t give a shit what anyone else thought at the time.

Unfortunately I had to get off the train shortly after. So I looked at her and told her everything would be okay, and stood up to get off the train. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to leave a person in suffering.

I can only hope that whatever was wrong is okay now or was that evening.

So, there you go, never a dull moment eh. But I shared a brief account of this on Facebook and a little more in detail here basically because of a few points……

  1. You never ever know what anyone is going through. We are all a bunch of individual strangers mostly and it doesn’t matter how big or small anyone’s issues are, they are relevant to that individual and therefore must be respected. Agreed with, perhaps not, but respected they must be. I sound like Yoda there haha.
  1. As the brilliant song says….”Care for your fellow man, lend them a helping hand, put a little love in your heart.”

It’s not that difficult, honestly, I mean it. The sad thing is that I know for a fact there will have been some on that train on Tuesday either frowning upon that girl or pitying her. And probably looking at me like I was some kind of weirdo. That is the saddest part of it for me. People have been engineered basically to be so inward looking and have been indoctrinated into an “every person for themselves” mentality over the last 2-3 decades. Unless it’s your family or close friends….no one actually gives a shit any more. No one gives a shit or cares about anyone. It’s even too much for everyone these days to even to bother looking at their fellow human beings, let alone smile at one another. Talk to them!? Oh God no, can’t do that, they’ll think I’m fucking mental!

Ridiculous isn’t it.

  1. A couple of people (and no I’m not telling them off here lol) mentioned in comment that I must have felt good about myself to have did what I did, but honestly? No, I didn’t. I didn’t because to me it’s not a big deal, it was my basic human instinct to care that kicked in. I didn’t even think actually. Which could have been wrong, you never know, the lass could’ve told me to f-off or mind my own business, but it was that fundamental feeling and instinct inside of me to help that took over and I’m glad it did, but not for my own self worth, but for hers. I hope I did make a difference, not to me or for me, but for her. I felt more upset that I had to leave her like that.

But we all have it. We all have that little voice in our head……it’s called a conscience. No one is expecting you to suddenly become a humanitarian of epic proportions and go off travelling the globe and performing miracles! But helping someone in distress shouldn’t be a case of “I wonder what everyone will think of me if……”. Listen to that voice because the more you do, the better a person you will be, trust me. It’s all the minute and large good things that have been instilled in you by your parents, the world around you. It’s all the little nuggets of wisdom imparted to you by your grandparents or mad uncles. Some things don’t require deep thought and consideration, or analysis to the ‘nth degree……you know what they are already, so stop making life so complicated when it comes to helping or caring or loving or supporting. Just do them.

Put a little love in your heart, and the hearts of others.

Lots of love

Steven x

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