Tax Dodging Communist!

09/10/16

Hiya folks. I’ve done it again, on 2 counts. First off I’ve let my talking slip and haven’t posted in months after my heart attack, and I promised you I’d keep in touch about it and my experience of it and the recovery process. I will get you caught up later on. Second, I’ve gone and jumped in with both feet and ended up having to wade back out.

Okay, we’ll deal with the first one first. So it’s been 10 weeks since that night and things are getting better. After an excruciating 8 week wait I started my rehab programme 2 weeks ago. I hate gyms and their pretentiousness and preachery (new word!) but I was glad to be in one a fortnight ago so I could get back on the road to feeling ‘normal’ and getting back to being able to walk like a 37 yr old and not an 87 yr old. First session was a very light one with easy exercise on the bike, rowing machine and treadmill. I think the other aspect to it is the support. I enjoyed it because everyone is the same and the ladies who look after us are brilliant and so understanding and caring. Apart from the 1 hour per week in the gym I am still only allowed to do walking as exercise. I can do one other thing but only in a moderate way, but we’ll not go into that right now haha. I can’t wait to be allowed to go swimming again, or cycle as these are pretty much the only strenuous fitness sort of things I enjoy.

I have started college! I am doing NC Photography at Fife College. Being able to indulge and grow in one of my passions is amazing and I’m loving it, despite the stress of deadlines and not knowing what I’m doing sometimes lol.

The other thing to note is that I’m single again. I jumped in to a relationship and unfortunately made a mistake. Life is for learning I suppose and I’ve learned a bucketload from the experience and the last few weeks. I’m not going to go into detail because it’s not the place. But I find myself again rebuilding and on a new adventure. So let’s move forward and keep on moving. Stronger, wiser, and more determined. More careful and no more being a walkover!!

Things going much better with Hayden. Determined to keep him happy. 

Off to Peterborough at the weekend on a train geek adventure with my dad! Can’t wait. Have a catch up with some of the guys from Railcam and meet a few new faces. And get loads of photos too. No doubt I’ll note you all with that when I get back haha.

Right, enough for just now. We’ll talk soon, promise. Until then, as always, please take care of one another, love one another and love in harmony. 

Lots of love

Steven xxx

#gsss #mentalhealthawareness #bwsawareness #underabanner 

Oh, It’s Gone Blue

21/07/16

Hiya folks, how are we doing? Good to hear. I’ve been having problems accessing my account so not been on as soon as I’d hoped after my last post. Sorry about that, but all sorted, as you can see. Okay, come with me, if you will, and let me tell you a story…….

Approx 10:00 hrs

Wednesday the 13th of July started off just like any other day. The sky was cloudy with a little hint that the sun may appear. No work was to be got up for and no school to be attended. A damn good lie-in was to be had instead. Except that is until little bugs intervened. Little sicky you’re not feeling very well bugs. “Lie back down, you’ll be fine” I said to myself, and did so. My insides had other plans. Moments later after very careful navigation to the bathroom, the inevitable happened. Spare you the details, I was sick a few times over the next few hours. And that was that…….

15:00 hrs

“Sorry hun but I’m bloody knackered, I need to go and have a lie down”. So I wobbled my way back to bed and collapsed onto it to have a rest. I must have fallen asleep for a while.

18:00 hrs

Oh shit that’s sore. I held my breath as I put my fingertips to the centre of my chest and then breathed out again. It’ll be nothing, just lie back down, you’re still knackered. Half an hour went past and the nagging pain was still there, now beginning to annoy me slightly. Another wee while went by and it gradually got a bit more intense. I thought I’d shift about a bit and see if it was something trapped or whatever. Left side…no. Right side…no. Sit up a bit…no. It got to the point I even tried curling up on my hands and knees……no, it just wasn’t going away. So by this time it was about just after 7 o’clock. Let me add something here by the way, which is important…1. I go very quiet and within myself when I don’t feel well, and 2. Rona was also quite ill at the same time and was convalescing on the sofa in the living room, completely unaware of my troubles, but only because I wasn’t exactly creaming to the heavens about it. So no fault of hers.

The pain, for some time, had started to spread too. Firstly across my left breast area. This was accompanied by shooting pains up to my my shoulder and occasionally the side of my neck. Then I felt the shot down the inside of my arm…..oh you b******d that hurt! Then a throbbing pain down the outside of my arm which was dull rather than really painful. As if by some magic, or perhaps just pure coincidence (let’s  not get too dramatic lol), Rona appeared at the bedroom door to check on me……just at the moment I lost sensation in my arm and it went numb. And started to turn a peculiar shade of purple-blue. A very short conversation ensued with the result being an ambulance was called for and at around half 9 I think, or thereabouts, I found myself in A&E at the Victoria Hospital in Kirkcaldy. Into the cubicle, sticky things on, wires attached and monitors displaying a rainbow of different numbers and crazy shapes. The top one, yellow, caught my eye. This was my heart rate. The normal resting rate of a human being is about 70-72 or so I’m led to believe. Mine at this point in time?…

149

Again I’ll cut things short. Blood tests, ECG’s, Arterial doo-dahs, chest x-ray, CAT scan, all done and came back normal. Eh!?? It wasn’t until one more test, Traponin, had been done that he consultant matched it up with a couple of other tests and could determine

that for 4 hours, I’d been having a heart attack.

I’d like to or wish I could make some kind of profound or even witty comment. But I’ll just type what I said to the guy after he told me….

“Fuck!”

So there it was, what more could I say. He explained that it was Coronary Artery Disease, or heart attack but my heart hasn’t been damaged, because “your heart is one mega strong tough little bastard”. 37 (and a half) and I’d gone and ‘had a coronary’.

So it seems life is chucking me another curveball to try and either sort me out or end me haha. You’re probably expecting me to now tell how terrifying it was, so I will. It was biblically scary. And you know the funny thing, I was laid strapped to the gurney in the ambulance trying to breathe as best I could and sucking in what seemed like gallons of gas and air thinking not that my life was flashing before my eyes or anything, but “try not stress and get upset, you’ll make Rona more worried”. I lay there trying not to break down and made myself stop crying  because as much as I wanted to it really wouldn’t have helped either of us. I knew also that I was in expert hands and good care, but I was very very very scared. I’ve said it many times and will always stand by it: that the worst feeling you can experience as a human being is helplessness.

So the recovery begins, not in earnest, but in minuscule pieces. I’m not going to sit here and pontificate and patronise anyone by rolling out the old cliches of it being life-changing this or by the grace of God that though. Things happen to people for whatever reason. It is up to the individual to find the reasons why, choose the next step on their path, or to set whatever goals, or decide which choices to make as a result. I’ve already some choices that I hope will benefit myself and others for as long as I’m here and my recuperation has already begun. And here’s the thing, how many of you, when I said my recovery had started and choices were made, thought of something physical?

My first thought was not “oh well, I’ll be ditching the fags then eh”. It was “I’ll need to put in some amount of effort to cope with what just happened and what’s to come, inside my head” (I still haven’t processed it all a week after it happened).

But don’t think for a second that’s me being defeatist or depressing, no I’m prepping. Because I know there lies a tough battle ahead mentally. I can sit here right now and say “it’s okay, I know what’s coming. I’m strong enough to deal with it as and when”. AM I? We’ll see I guess. But best to have that thought in my head so hopefully I can remind myself of this paragraph for reference

I’ll feel useless. I’ll get upset. I’ll get angry because I want to go faster than I should. I’ll take it out on others. I’ll question myself. One thing I do know is this…..that I’ll have amazing people alongside me to tell when I’m being a dick, to reassure me, to hold my arm to the end of the street and back, and keep me upright when I get back cos I’m knackered. To make me laugh and feel loved. For that I can only offer a feeble but humble and massively grateful THANK YOU xxx. To everyone who has been through this with me and who will be there into the future.

I’m sure there will be more to be written about the events of the past week or so but for now I’ll sod off and leave you, in written form only haha. Because in the words of the nurse in charge…….

“You’re forty years too early pal”

Lots of love

Steven

#gsss #mentalhealthawareness

 

Please Mind The Gap When Alighting From This Dream

It’s been 3 months!! Blimey!

Hello everyone, how are we all? Right, let’s have a catch-up then I guess.

Since we last spoke the first thing I should mention is that things are on the mend with my boy. Still not 100% but we are on the road to rebuilding, although I’m still making mistakes, daft mistakes like not calling when I should (genuine stupid forgetfulness) which really annoys me ‘cos it’s not exactly a taxing thing is it? We are getting there though. I look forward to seeing him so much and just being with him whatever we get up to. He’s a laugh and then some. Love you little dude x

I have embarked on a new chapter in life also. I met a lovely young lady called Rona and her daughter Paige a few months ago and we have been together ever since (makes it sound like years lol). I have also inherited a furry family too. As well as my angel Equinox there are another 3 cats, and 2 dogs! I’ll get photos of them all put on here but for now let me introduce to you……

Sylver

and Bella

IMGP5309(auditioning to be the new Thundercats logo)

There are a few other things going on too which I won’t bore you with, other than I’m hoping to set up my own photography business. Working name at the moment is SCPhotography. You’ll only find me on Facebook just now but I shall be appearing on other outlets as soon as humanly possible. A massive thankyou to all that have liked and / or shared the page for me.

The title of this post is the result of a misheard train announcement while on the way back from seeing Hayden. One of those where what you’re thinking about meshes with what’s going on outside. For weeks I battled with myself and my insecurities while I was alone, or travelling, about the road ahead. Every time though I always ended with the thought of “live your dreams man, do something different and scary”. As I write this I’ve just given some advice to a young lad who seems to be battling with a lot of internal conflict….

“Always listen to yourself pal, and never doubt yourself. There is no wrong decision or choice, only wisdom to be gained”

Only you are, and should be the architect of your dreams and destiny. Only you should decide what the best is for yourself. Take advice, look at others, but in the end you are here for a reason. You will find that reason only by making choices that you believe in and no one should ever try to take you off that path. If they do, choose another guide and not another path. You inherently know the difference between right and wrong, trust your instincts and yourself. Things go wrong, things don’t work out as you’d hope, but we get through and we fight and we believe and we conquer. Yes there’s a gap between where we are and our dreams but never look down before you step off towards them because they’re YOUR dreams and aspirations. Some will mock, some will question, but that’s because everyone is unique whether they like it or not so don’t let them make you look down either. We have enough critics inside our own heads never mind letting anyone else have a go at it for you lol.

I’ll leave you with one piece of advice, if you have children, please don’t scream and shout at them and cause them to feel fear, talk to them…….and listen. Let them grow.

It feels so good to be back. Lots of love

Steven x

p.s SJ, you’re boy will be okay

#gsss #mentalhealthawareness

 

Lost Priority

15/2/16

Hey dude,

I am so so very sorry we haven’t spoken in so long. I have no excuses to be honest. Yeah I’ve been away, and other stuff has happened, and my life has changed over the last few weeks, but there is no excuse for not ‘picking up the phone’ or writing you a letter before now. I know it’s stupid but I get scared the longer I leave it because I think there’s no hope that you’ll talk to me and you  (and your mum) will be angry with me. And I definitely don’t blame you if you don’t want to talk to me. I keep letting you down. I keep telling myself to sort myself out and be the dad you want and need me to be, and every time I fail you. No amount of sorrys would ever be enough and no words can describe the pain in my heart. I know I’m being daft and the thoughts that go through my mind are stupid, but I end up believing them and go round in circles, and you get hurt. I love you more than anything or anyone on this planet and I’m a shit dad for not making you feel that love every single day. I know you don’t want much from me, you never have, but what I give you is simply pathetic and unworthy of the best son a dad could ever wish for. I need a proper smack around the head! Please please forgive me mate. I don’t mess up intentionally, I’m just an arse sometimes. But no matter if I am or not, there is no excuse. I miss you desperately and it hurts like hell. It’s up to me to deal with that and earn your trust again. Everytime I think of how much I’ve let you down these last few weeks I just want to stop, sit down and cry and scream. You really are my world. Things get in the way, but they should never get in the way of you and me. I’ll try again later today, and tomorrow, and all the days after. I love you so much xxx

Hi everyone. No diary this time because it doesn’t matter what I’ve been up to lately. You can guess what’s happened amongst the other things that have been going on. Why can’t I ever find a decent proper balance in my life and head? Every time I find something good something else goes wrong in my life. All I want is to be like the rest of you. All I want is to have the most important things in my life to work together and for me to feel content. For once please can I have a normal life. My heart is simultaneously elated and breaking at the same time, what kind of fucked up shit is that!? I’m so angry with myself. I’m so much in pain inside. I’m ashamed and deserve every criticism and shake of the head I could and should get. I would do anything to have my boy in my arms right now and tell him how much he means to me. I need you little guy, you are my inspiration and reason I am alive. You are my living angel. I am so sorry. 

The delicate balance between hope and feeling worthless. Between driving yourself on to sort things out and feeling total despair that you’ve fucked it all up and you don’t know how to fix it. Between such highs to the point of wanting it all to end. 

The next time you get the reply from someone (yeah me included)  “I’m not too bad” or “things aren’t too bad/shabby” or “so-so” or a variant of such answers, don’t believe them, it’s bullshit. We’re hurting. Hurting for a reason. If we weren’t it would be “I’m great / fantastic / going good”. My life seems to be taking a turn for the better but as you can see I’m far from good. There’s still an awful lot I need to sort out. Only one that can do these things is me. GSSS!!!
Take care ’til next time everyone. Lots of love, light and peace.

Steven x

“Put a little love in your heart”

Fragility

30/01/16

Hiya everyone, how are you? I was going to say I’m alright, but that would be a lie. After my week away life has been full of pain, suffering and fuck-ups. Where do we start?

Most important was the last few days where my dad got really ill and ended up in hospital. It turned out to gallstones, which in itself is still shite, but initially they thought it may have been something worse. He’ll go back in a few weeks to get a bit of keyhole surgery and that should be the end of it. A very stressful and upsetting few days I can tell you. These times show just how fragile we really are.

One of my best friends has just lost one of their best friends and my heart is breaking for them. They give so much to the world that they don’t deserve. But they’re one hell of a tough cookie and will return stronger and more determined to keep on doing their amazing job of being a wonderful human being. Keep on being that light.

And now someone else close to me has lost one of their friends at too young an age and my heart broke all over again for them. They don’t deserve to be kicked in the teeth either. They have a hard shell too but deep down has a heart that is so loving and caring. The cliche applies to both of these people that “it’s always the good ones that suffer the most”.

I think I’ve managed to ‘love-bomb’ someone too. Completely and mystifyingly unintentionally. And I am majorly fucking annoyed with myself! What has gone from something “wow!” and unbelievably cool, has turned to me pissing them off, more than likely scaring them, and hardly talking. I know folk, and probably them too, will say I’m wrong (I can only hope so) but it’s how I feel. This person is so cool and sweet and lovely, and we have stuff in common. But…………..yeah me being me, if i had more than two feet I’d have jumped in with them too, has done just that, overwhelmed them, and quite possibly stuffed it all up. At the moment all I can think about is don’t give up, but do they still see me in the way we were talking before?

Why can’t I just think and be like a normal person!!?

I’m going to sleep, my head hurts and I’m getting emotional. Time to switch off the night and carry on in the morning. Night night. I’ll write another post in the morning or at some point tomorrow.

Steven x

17/01/16

Well, hello there! As usual it’s been a few weeks since we last spoke> I haven’t been busy as such, more just trying to get all the little things and a couple of big things back on track or sorted. Which means I kind of went into myself for a bit. I wanted to say this though…..Hayden, I Love You so damn much, and I’m sorry for letting you down so much.

 

Today you find me in Nottingham! and you will find me there for the rest of this week lol. So if anyone wants to say hello etc, let me know and I’ll see if I can afford to come meet up. Don’t worry, Equinox is being looked after. What should have been a relatively straightforward journey when I booked it turned into let’s say a straight-bendy-forward journey. Because of a bridge being damaged during Storm Frank, then it became…..train from Armadale to Glasgow, one from there to Carlisle, one from there to Preston, one from there to Birmingham, and then one from there to Nottingham lol. Good job I bloody love trains!! hahaha. So after setting off at 5.30am I arrived in Notts at 3.30pm, lovely. But I’m here now and that’s all that matters. Hopefully I should have a stress-free time and be able to enjoy myself until I get back home to whatever shit awaits me.

I do know that something, or should I say, someone will be there when I get back. I can’t say at the moment but I’ll keep you posted.

Right, well, what now? I’ve just had a laugh at myself because I’ve been sitting here in front of the laptop writing and then up pops a little message saying “draft saved at 14.42”, it’s now 15:08 and I’ve been sat staring at the thing ready to type…………for 26 minutes!! But that’s what happens. One minute you’re full of thoughts and movement and the next you feel paralysed and completely bereft of thought and end up just sitting there with everything and nothing going on your head at one. all sorts of things fly through but you can’t move until eventually you snap out of it for whatever reason. Now this might seem a little strange but it just happens. Thankfully I was sitting down. The worst time of feeling like this is when you’re doing one of the simplest things in life…..walking. Many times I’ve been walking home from somewhere or out and about and suddenly you feel you can’t go any further, but if you stop you won’t be able to start again and just fall down. Takes quite a bit of willpower to keep on moving I can tell you.

We March On

27/12/15

Hiya everyone. Sorry I’ve been quiet. I’ve been quiet for good reason though. Life has been slightly more balanced and less cloudy.

Quick update on things : I am okay, Equinox is doing grand too. Got myself a part-time job back fixing phones, had a wonderfully chilled and non-eventful Christmas. Oh, and I saved my friends’ life (with the help of some other great pals), genuinely.

First off I’d like to let the world know about another part of me that not very many know about. I also realise that I’m at risk of ridicule and scoffery (have I just created a word? haha) but I couldn’t really give a toss to be fair haha. Okay, only a few people know that I’m a very spiritual person, but it’s this and my beliefs (entirely non religious) that have given me that sense of balance and determination I’ve been feeling over the last few weeks. The incident regarding my friend also opened both my eyes and my inner self to the realisation of just how fragile we are as human beings, and that I’ve had enough of being scared of that fragility. So I went out and got myself some new Angel cards, and what they told me confirmed a lot of things in my mind and allayed a few fears. Also gave me focus, forward motion and things to plan for. Now I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but there you go.

My positivity is always tempered however by the minefield that is my own thoughts. Yes there’s been lots of up days, but still (and probably always really) there is the dark days. Even though I’m working it’s still difficult to get out of bed in the morning, still have the endless nights without sleep despite being tired, still have the moments of almost breakdown on the spot and it’s a fight to put one foot in front of the other. That’s A&D for you. What keeps me going through all of that though is pretty much 3 thoughts………….”I am not alone”………….”we will win!”………….”I am beautiful, inside and out, and I couldn’t give a flying fuck if anyone thinks different!!!”. Thing is, it’s taken a lot, a lot, of pain and horrible thoughts and feelings to get just here. And I’m only inches along my journey. But I can only say to my other A&D sufferers : take your time okay. It gives you just that little bit longer to enjoy the good days, hours that you get. And even if the bad bits take longer to get through, you’ll benefit because you won’t have the sudden jolts to take you by surprise and knock you sideways. Take your time and try to keep things as simple as you can. We are all here for you and in numbers you find strength and the will to move.

I have made various promises to myself today. No, not silly “New Years resolutions”. Proper life promises. I have had some time out (which I am very lucky to have been able to do, and I know not everyone gets the chance to do so) and feel I can use my knowledge gained in this time to make better decisions, listen to my inner self more and do the things that make me happy instead of doing things to make others happy. I’ll ALWAYS be there for anyone who needs me, of course I will, but I’m at an age where I have to live for me. I’m in my late 30’s for crying out loud!! I’m an adult, albeit a fragile and broken one. It starts and ends with me though, so let’s do this shit!!

This will be my last post of 2015, and to be honest I’ll be glad to see the back of it! It has been one hell of a year to say the least. I’ve made some seriously shit decisions and it’s cost me a lot. Although I was really not well, they’re still my responsibility and I will forever look back on them with pain and anguish. This is life though I guess. It’s when you genuinely don’t mean things that’s when it takes a lot more to comprehend and process it. But what can you do eh, you do your best at the time and sometimes it’s just not good enough, then you put yourself through it all again lol. You simply do what you think is right at the time, that’s all you can do in life.

So it’s on to a new year, not that that makes a bollocks worth of difference to me really, but to others it does. So don’t make resolutions, make deals with yourself that you can realistically manage, no matter how small. Every little step is an achievement and something to take pride in, and I guarantee you, you will have an army stepping with you all the way. So whether it’s planning something you’ve dreamed of for all your life (or setting about it) or gathering all the courage you have or can to say “hi”, I and thousands of others are here to say Hi back, and hopefully travel with you on a miraculous and beautiful journey. We’re closer than you think.

WE WILL WIN!

I can sense a real building of awareness and strength of movement though in our battle to let the world know we’re not all “just a bit sad, and going through a rough time”. There is a fantastic sense of coming together and a readiness to fight as hard as it takes to help each other, spread the word and ultimately be a decent caring race of human beings when it comes to mental health. And if I may, can I have a bit of indulgence? Please? Ta, I’m very very proud to be part of the army.

Right, enough for now as it’s late (23:07 as I type) and I’m tired. I will see you all in 2016, but if anyone wants to engage on here, I promise I’ll be there. Take care everyone, be kind and be loved.

Lots of Love

Steven x

#wewillwin #gsss # mentalhealthawareness #depressionarmy

 

 

The Glass Box Of Emotion

26/11/15

Well hello folks. Just looking and it’s been over 2 weeks since my last post. A few things have happened. For one, and possibly the best is I have been reunited with my old cat, Equinox. She’s a beautiful and cuddly little thing and I loves her to bits. When I get photos of her on my computer I’ll bore you all with some of them haha. I’ve also decided to do a couple of days per week back at the phone shop I used to work at. The main reason being to get a wee bit of cash together for Christmas so I can spoil my boy a bit. Got my week away rearranged, looks like it won’t be to the destination on the ticket though but never mind. When life kicks you, kick the fucker back, harder!

My latest post is inspired by my best friends’ good lady. Honourable mention to Bobby and Mel. They have a little porch at their back door and one time when she was talking to Bob she said “if you’re going out for a smoke, just use the Glass Box Of Emotion instead of going outside”. Just a passing comment in a completely normal conversation. To me though it struck something inside my mind and I sat there thinking “Wow, what an amazing metaphor that is!”.

Not so much now of course because I do this and talk about my depression etc a lot, but before I had my breakdown and many more times since, I can relate to the metaphor and hopefully be able to tell you what it’s like.

So I sat on the sofa and looked at “The Box” and I pictured myself sitting in it. And it fitted perfectly so to speak. you do feel that you are sitting in a glass box watching the world go about it’s business while you sit there feeling helpless. The glass is as fragile as you are. You think you’re see through. It’s glass, but they don’t see you. It doesn’t look like thick glass, but they don’t hear you when you shout. It’s glass, it’s easily shattered, but that means causing a scene, making a noise and possibly scaring someone else in the process. Who’s going to clean it all up!? No, better just to stay in the box and hope someone sees me. Then you have a terrifying thought. Are they ignoring me ‘cos I am broken? What if the glass is only one way? What if I can see out but they can’t see in!? Well that’s it then, no one is going to see me, no one can help, what do I do?

What you do next is one of the most important and possibly bravest things you’ll ever do. To go from the thought of just sitting there or ultimately giving up because you feel no one sees you, to figuring out how to get out of the box, is a massive battle with yourself. However you think of it, however you do it, YOU MUST SMASH THAT GLASS!! Once you do, and once you can see the air beyond, you have set about a process that will both upset you but blow you away. Upset you because you will have many more battles to come, and you will be sore from the effort and what you did to smash the glass, but the feeling of self empowerment and “I did it!! I f*****g well did it!!” is a feeling I will never forget and tops any other. Believe me, it’s so difficult to get to the stage of taking your fists and hammering that glass.

We are glass really. Everyone likes to think of themselves as hard and rugged and not bothered about what life throws at them because “I’m strong, nothing beats me!” but to me that’s utter shite. We are all fragile, some more than others. We have to remember that at all times. We don’t know what battles others are fighting. How close to shattering are they? Sometimes people need you to help them break the glass. Right now this world doesn’t see enough kindness or compassion or empathy. Maybe I’m not going to change the world, but is it too much to ask just to be nice? To care? To understand?

If you’re reading this and you’re thinking to yourself “I could do with a hammer right now”, trust me there are those out there who know and are willing to help and stand by you every step you take. Whether it be me (feel free to ask for my email, or mobile number, or twitter) or whoever, you are never alone. Never.

Thank you as always for the amazing support I get. We can do this you know. We can.

Peace, love and light to you all x

Steven x

#mentalhealthawareness #gsss

Just…..Little Things

10/11/15

Hello one and all. Well it’s almost 6am and I’ve been up all night. Not tired, simple as that really. But it’s not bothering me. In fact not much is at this moment in time or has since completely out of the blue someone popped into my head and I decided to text them. Which then led to spending a little time chatting on the phone. And as a result my mind seemed to be a bit less burdened. This person happens to be my ex. One conversation though showed me that sometimes there is simply no need for anger and regret and sorrow. No need for things to end in acrimony (unless something massively seriously bad happens righ enough). Ever since that conversation I have smiled, thought about some things differently, actually felt a tiny bit more relaxed, and gone about my day with a slightly clearer mind. I’m not saying I’m now suddenly Gene Kelly or owt but I genuinely do feel a tiny bit better. And that’s good.

Some things you can influence but I believe there’s one thing you can’t….your subconcious. I have many theories on what exactly this is but I won’t bore you with them. Far too much for a blog post. Happy to discuss though. All I’ll say is that you should listen to it. That little thought, or the voice you think you heard?….listen to it, and you’ll be surprised I promise you.

So…..yeah…..dinosaurs in Edinburgh. 

So I’m not here to say everything’s peachy or the future is going to be this or that, but it’s another little step. I have a list of things to achieve on my wall, and these things are broken down into smaller things that help on the way. Little things, little things.

So….yeah….a dog called Bum. 

So just goes to show that no matter how much you think or plan or hope or wish, some things “just happen”, and if you act on that intuition I’d say you’ll be right more often than not. And when you’re not right? Fuck it. It started off as nothing so you’re still even. As always this little ray of sunshine is tempered with the knowledge to take it as it is and move on to the next challenge. People always say to me I don’t seem to get excited at stuff or look like I’m enjoying something or looking happy, and it’s down to one thing…..look what happened with my trip away. There’s your answer. The higher you are, the further the fall. The bigger the expectation, the bigger the disappointment. Simple. And yes, I am actually a happy person!! Although I’m sure others would disagree. But I can’t do anything about that so who gives a shit. 

So….yeah….how’d you manage to get it on the wall man!?

Right, I’ve had enough for now. As I’m sure you have too! haha. Be careful out there, who you trust, who you think someone is, how important you really are and to whom. Don’t read or listen to the words, think about how they are said. Keep fighting. Lots of love.

Steven x

Oh! I get a cat on Sarurday! Yay!

See ya!

#gsss #mentalhealthawareness #bethereforsomeone