The Alternative Angle

 

24/12/16

Hiya everyone. I thought I’d have a little chat before I switch off for a few weeks. I finish up at college on Friday, officially, but Thursday unofficially and don’t go back ’til the 10th of January. Of course with it being college I won’t really be off. Always something to be doing even if it’s not taking photos.

I was talking to a friend of mine last night and it made me realise that being able to study, learn, get to spend the time and get lost in something that I love so much is such a privilege and restored my belief in what I’m doing. Whenever you have a lot of work to do it can get overwhelming and you start to think you can’t cope

I just love seeing the world differently to others. I always have done, and photography lets me express who I am in my heart and my mind. I love the looks I get when I’m lying down on the floor or ground somewhere, or looking weird all bent and skewed at strange angles, then show that person my camera screen and see the look on their face when they see what I was taking haha. Yeah it can be egotistical sometimes, who doesn’t like praise or to be appreciated for their craft, but my urge isn’t for folk to say “wow, you are good”, it’s to hopefully get them thinking a little differently about their surroundings and how they’ve always seen things. A few feet drop between standing and crouching / lying down gives a whole new look to a shot. Step to the side a little. I don’t want the ‘perfect’ shot, the ‘poster’ or ‘calendar’shot, I aim for something you don’t see, or the angle you never consider, just something different. A useful question to keep in your head as an artist of any kind is….”what if I did this?…..”. I don’t care if you think I’m being pompous but I’m bloody proud of myself for wanting to be different. I always have been, even as a kid.

My 3 tutors are absolutely phenomenal too. They all help me (perhaps unknown to them) in different ways and along with the belief shown in me by my girlfriend, keep me going when I think I’m going nowhere. One encourages my creativity and the way I take my photos and what I see through the viewfinder. One has instilled an honest and critical side in myself to say “is that really that good?”, “is this shot really the best it could be?”. And the third one I love talking all things photography with who understands my perspective, my thoughts and ideas and always wants to listen to my ramblings about all aspects of the art. This is invaluable, in fact it is something very special to me. Having grown up thinking that I’m not right for thinking differently I now have an outlet where I can be myself and express myself without judgement and indeed be appreciated even if my opinion differs from theirs. They respect the way I see things and I in return respect anything they say or do to help me in my creative process as a guidance and a will for me to be the best I can. So I can only say thank you very very much for all of their help and belief.

The other week I had the pleasure of doing a friend a favour and getting valuable practice by documenting a fundraising event at her college. She is doing Event Management and through her and another 2 of her classmates I will be doing another 2 events in the new year! One of them being the Pride Of West Lothian Awards, the other is another fundraising event, this time for a youth football team. I enjoyed my day at West Lothian College so much and it was brilliant research, learning and experience towards my NC and my own personal journey. I can’t wait ’til March for the awards. I will need to get some practice in for that haha.

So things personally are going as well as can be. They are going well, so I will take that. I’m not going to go overboard and mental because you know what happens. As another year draws to a close I sit and reflect as we all do and review the year just gone, and again it’s been a year full of great highs and some serious lows and a very serious event. At least I’m not boring eh hahaha. The one thing I intend to do more and learn more is to believe in myself. Belief in the skills I have and believe that I am capable of becoming even better and that I will do so.

Make every moment count, use every minute on this earth to do something with myself. Keep busy, don’t let my mind get the better of me. Work hard and use that to keep my mind busy. Take my time, try not to get overwhelmed and take things bit by bit. Just enjoy college, don’t let anything get to me and concentrate on myself. Sod trying to help anyone but myself.

So, I’ll see you in the new year folks. Have a wonderful Christmas and new year. Remember to stay humble and appreciate that not everyone will be doing what you’re doing. Shout out to all those who are caring and nursing and keeping us safe. Take care everyone. Lots of love.

Steven x

#gsss #mentalhealthawareness

I’m Defecting

11/11/16

THANK YOU TO ALL THOSE THAT GAVE THEIR LIVES SO WE COULD BE HERE TODAY

Hello there everyone, good to see you! How are you all? Time for a little update on life, and time to put a big f’n curse on it all haha! Because at the moment life is for the first time in a very long time, absolutely brilliant. I am so happy. So I am now going to bore you with it all, it’s okay I won’t mind if you hit the ‘x’ button now haha. For those of you that have stayed, here’s what’s been happening…….

As you may or may not know I am at college. Fife College to be exact, studying NC Photography and despite being a bit snowed under and behind with all the written work, absolutely loving it. I get to go out almost every day and take photos of the world as I see it and express myself through my ‘art’ so to speak. Also we are getting taught the studio and film side of photography and this, despite the trepidation and learning a bundle of new stuff, is mind-blowing and amazing. I never ever thought I would be able to do something like this……

vanity-fair-template

….and have my own watermark (bottom left of my shots) and be on the way to my dream of doing what I love for a living.

home-still-life

Being able to produce things like the above shot that rattle around in my brain. If anyone requires a description of what that photo is depicting then feel free to get in touch.

It is amazing and a really cool experience to be able to show the world the way I see the world……in photos, not just in the shots, but the fact that as a photographer I see the world in 360 and through a rectangle. We recently watched a small portion of a documentary about the life and work of Anna-Lou “Annie” Leibovitz and one thing she said really struck a chord with me. At one point when describing where her passion for photography came from she said a great part of it was from the fact she traveled a lot in the car of her parents’ and saw the world going past through the frame of the car window, and I instantly thought “wow! that sounds just like me”. But we didn’t have a car…..

So as I sat there trying to listen to her talk, I drifted off back to my own childhood and thought to myself..”I wonder if my love of photography was first instilled as a result of the travelling I did as a child, on so many trains”? I know that sounds a little daft to some but when I think about the fact that when I was a child we had no mobile phones and not everyone or family owned a camera, so as I traveled up and down and across the country on trains, I had only my memory to take snapshots with, and when you consider sitting there looking out through the limited view of a rectangular train window, I don’t think there’s any doubt that this has influenced my love for photography and the urge to document my world from a different angle than others. But I love that about myself, It means I am unique and not a sheep and someone who takes different photos from the rest. And long may it continue.

I have my student funding finally sorted, so I can contribute to my lodgings and my parents. I can also contribute towards the upbringing and security financially of my son. Which is a massive relief. Also I can now afford to actually take him places again like we used to. We have been slowly building things back up after me letting things slip. I will be seeing him tomorrow 🙂 . Be able to take him out properly for the first time in far too long.

So what else…….my Equinox is back to her old self after being ill and stressed. Never put her through anything like that ever again. Her fur is growing back beautifully and getting fed like a queen lol.

My previous post was such a down one and at that point I was just so stressed by everything and it looked like I would be denied something very very special. What a difference to the state I’m in as I type this one.

I have an income. I have my son. I am doing something I love. I have a roof over my head which I can now contribute towards. My cat is healthy. I am back in my rehab programme to get my cardiac and general fitness back again. Oh, and I almost forgot (not really honey, just messing)…..I am head over heels, arse over elbow, in love with a most amazing beautiful and special woman. I son’t think it’s any coincidence that her name is Angela (with me being spiritual and guided by angels). Even typing her name brings me a massive smile and so much joy. I am so much in love it is both amazing and surreal at the same time lol. This time I don’t need any convincing or analysis or questioning of myself. This angel makes me feel like I’ve never felt before. I feel like a teenager who has just got his first girlfriend and that girl is everything you could ever wish for. I have that feeling of total disbelief that I have been so lucky to met her (although I don’t believe in luck)  but utter joy and love that my heart could explode at any minute. I am not ashamed to say that I have cried a couple of times tears of happiness and love because it is overwhelming the feelings I have for this woman. It hurts like hell when we’re apart, feels like I am floating and flying when I’m with her. Feels like my heart will burst with joy and pride when I look into her eyes. It’s that feeling where the words I’m typing aren’t enough and you end up just looking at people like a gormless daft idiot and shrugging your shoulders and saying “I…just…am. I…just….do!” when they ask you if you are in love. She makes me so happy and content and loved and cared for. And she is slowly teaching me to appreciate that she is like the way she is because she wants to make me happy and feel the same way I make her feel. And she’s teaching me to accept compliments, which has always been a problem for me down to my self-esteem and confidence.

But as Angela and I were talking over a phenomenal Costa hot chocolate, I came to realise that I’ve had enough of being beaten by my own mind. Had enough of sabotaging my happiness and accepting that I am better than what I think I am and that I deserve to be happy just like anyone else. So it’s a case now of “Cheggs, live your bloody life! Enjoy what you have, enjoy what you have to come! I can, and WILL be happy. I WILL be a success. Let myself be genuinely loved, by someone who genuinely loves me. Let’s defect to the Optimistic Army.

So that’s about it I guess. Time to get on with things and do the best I can with it all. And look forward to a future filled with hope and love with a warmth in my soul, a light in my spirit and a passion in my heart.

Take care everyone. We will talk again very soon. Look after each other okay.

“Think of your fellow man. Lend him a helping hand. Put a little love in your heart”

Steven x

#gsss # mentalhealthawarenes #BWS

 

Why Did It Need To Be So High

23/10/16

Life is so shit sometimes. All it does is rip your heart to pieces and leaves you in a heap on the floor, laughs at you, then fucks off. I’m sitting here with a million things in my head, wanting to say so much, talk about so much, but just feel numb and tired and hopeless and not worthy of anyone. Before you shout at me, I know it isn’t the case, but you try telling my mind that right now.

People always say to me “you never seem to get excited about stuff”. Or try to be happy more and this and that. You know why? Because it’s a long way down. And it hurts more when the inevitable happens and I’m thrown back on the ground, and then given a boot to the gut as an added bonus. You would get scared too if every single time in your whole life if anything good or truly special came your way, something always happened to rip that to pieces, to reach in to your heart and soul and destroy them.

Intermission : feline asleep on keyboard.

14732233_1318396658180017_5304954047816954061_n

Decided to leave it ’til the next morning. So I’m back at 11.46. Nearly afternoon ffs. Reason for that: cried from midnight ’til 3am when I think I finally fell asleep. Woke up at half 8 and cried again. Lay in bed for 3 hours with the cat because the thought of facing the day in pain and confusion and numbness wasn’t a very nice prospect.

Anyway, where was I? Yeah, things are either pretty down at the moment or in limbo. I’m kind of existing, just, and floating about until a few things get sorted (I hope!). It’s a shit place to be. I feel like I’m either a burden on people or I’m in the way or just plain annoying them. I can’t contribute to anything. I can’t go anywhere or visit anywhere to take photos for college. It’s absolutely shit being so emotional and sensitive, and broken.

I need to keep busy, need to be occupied. Thank whoever for this blog because I would only just suffer in silence. And even then I sit and think “does anyone really want to read my constant rubbish and emotional crap?”. But here I am, so if anyone doesn’t want to read it then there’s always the ‘X’ at the top right corner. Honesty lets you the people you deserve in your life, and lets you see who does genuinely care.

If who I am and how I am, how I feel, how I act, how I want to be the person I want to be, is not to anyone’s liking then I make no apologies in saying please leave me alone. I am in charge of my destiny and my life and I won’t rely anymore on others for my happiness. I’m sick of it being me who always tries to adapt myself to fit in or please others or be with them. I’m just as important as anyone else in this world and I deserve to be liked, loved and wanted because of who I actually am, and not who I or anyone else thinks I should be. If anyone wants me, I’m here, but if any of my faults, or my personality, or whatever doesn’t suit then I’m not going to change ME.

I am in a constant battle I know and we trade blows and one gets the upper hand every so often. Right now it’s that side that makes you stare at a wall for 2 hours with everything and nothing going through your mind. Having a million things to say but you don’t, because you feel it’s not worth it, or it doesn’t mean anything to anyone. I’m lucky though, so lucky that I have some people that understand, genuinely understand and want to help me. I honestly and truthfully will tell you this…..If it wasn’t for a certain few people in this world, I would not be here right now. And that is a fact. It is a horrible horrible place your mind takes you sometimes. But while there is light in the day, and I have even the tiniest bit of love in my heart, I will fight on. I will fight because my son needs me.

This is only temporary though. This is not life. I must keep moving. Keep believing.

If you are reading this and there is someone in your life who you love beyond all human emotion please go and tell them right now. Don’t take that love for granted. Don’t wait until there is a “if only”. Love is the one thing that can turn this world into the best place to be. Be that world for someone. Love will bring me out of the darkness.

Look after each other

Steven x

p.s I love you x

#gsss #mentalhealthawareness

Tax Dodging Communist!

09/10/16

Hiya folks. I’ve done it again, on 2 counts. First off I’ve let my talking slip and haven’t posted in months after my heart attack, and I promised you I’d keep in touch about it and my experience of it and the recovery process. I will get you caught up later on. Second, I’ve gone and jumped in with both feet and ended up having to wade back out.

Okay, we’ll deal with the first one first. So it’s been 10 weeks since that night and things are getting better. After an excruciating 8 week wait I started my rehab programme 2 weeks ago. I hate gyms and their pretentiousness and preachery (new word!) but I was glad to be in one a fortnight ago so I could get back on the road to feeling ‘normal’ and getting back to being able to walk like a 37 yr old and not an 87 yr old. First session was a very light one with easy exercise on the bike, rowing machine and treadmill. I think the other aspect to it is the support. I enjoyed it because everyone is the same and the ladies who look after us are brilliant and so understanding and caring. Apart from the 1 hour per week in the gym I am still only allowed to do walking as exercise. I can do one other thing but only in a moderate way, but we’ll not go into that right now haha. I can’t wait to be allowed to go swimming again, or cycle as these are pretty much the only strenuous fitness sort of things I enjoy.

I have started college! I am doing NC Photography at Fife College. Being able to indulge and grow in one of my passions is amazing and I’m loving it, despite the stress of deadlines and not knowing what I’m doing sometimes lol.

The other thing to note is that I’m single again. I jumped in to a relationship and unfortunately made a mistake. Life is for learning I suppose and I’ve learned a bucketload from the experience and the last few weeks. I’m not going to go into detail because it’s not the place. But I find myself again rebuilding and on a new adventure. So let’s move forward and keep on moving. Stronger, wiser, and more determined. More careful and no more being a walkover!!

Things going much better with Hayden. Determined to keep him happy. 

Off to Peterborough at the weekend on a train geek adventure with my dad! Can’t wait. Have a catch up with some of the guys from Railcam and meet a few new faces. And get loads of photos too. No doubt I’ll note you all with that when I get back haha.

Right, enough for just now. We’ll talk soon, promise. Until then, as always, please take care of one another, love one another and love in harmony. 

Lots of love

Steven xxx

#gsss #mentalhealthawareness #bwsawareness #underabanner 

Oh, It’s Gone Blue

21/07/16

Hiya folks, how are we doing? Good to hear. I’ve been having problems accessing my account so not been on as soon as I’d hoped after my last post. Sorry about that, but all sorted, as you can see. Okay, come with me, if you will, and let me tell you a story…….

Approx 10:00 hrs

Wednesday the 13th of July started off just like any other day. The sky was cloudy with a little hint that the sun may appear. No work was to be got up for and no school to be attended. A damn good lie-in was to be had instead. Except that is until little bugs intervened. Little sicky you’re not feeling very well bugs. “Lie back down, you’ll be fine” I said to myself, and did so. My insides had other plans. Moments later after very careful navigation to the bathroom, the inevitable happened. Spare you the details, I was sick a few times over the next few hours. And that was that…….

15:00 hrs

“Sorry hun but I’m bloody knackered, I need to go and have a lie down”. So I wobbled my way back to bed and collapsed onto it to have a rest. I must have fallen asleep for a while.

18:00 hrs

Oh shit that’s sore. I held my breath as I put my fingertips to the centre of my chest and then breathed out again. It’ll be nothing, just lie back down, you’re still knackered. Half an hour went past and the nagging pain was still there, now beginning to annoy me slightly. Another wee while went by and it gradually got a bit more intense. I thought I’d shift about a bit and see if it was something trapped or whatever. Left side…no. Right side…no. Sit up a bit…no. It got to the point I even tried curling up on my hands and knees……no, it just wasn’t going away. So by this time it was about just after 7 o’clock. Let me add something here by the way, which is important…1. I go very quiet and within myself when I don’t feel well, and 2. Rona was also quite ill at the same time and was convalescing on the sofa in the living room, completely unaware of my troubles, but only because I wasn’t exactly creaming to the heavens about it. So no fault of hers.

The pain, for some time, had started to spread too. Firstly across my left breast area. This was accompanied by shooting pains up to my my shoulder and occasionally the side of my neck. Then I felt the shot down the inside of my arm…..oh you b******d that hurt! Then a throbbing pain down the outside of my arm which was dull rather than really painful. As if by some magic, or perhaps just pure coincidence (let’s  not get too dramatic lol), Rona appeared at the bedroom door to check on me……just at the moment I lost sensation in my arm and it went numb. And started to turn a peculiar shade of purple-blue. A very short conversation ensued with the result being an ambulance was called for and at around half 9 I think, or thereabouts, I found myself in A&E at the Victoria Hospital in Kirkcaldy. Into the cubicle, sticky things on, wires attached and monitors displaying a rainbow of different numbers and crazy shapes. The top one, yellow, caught my eye. This was my heart rate. The normal resting rate of a human being is about 70-72 or so I’m led to believe. Mine at this point in time?…

149

Again I’ll cut things short. Blood tests, ECG’s, Arterial doo-dahs, chest x-ray, CAT scan, all done and came back normal. Eh!?? It wasn’t until one more test, Traponin, had been done that he consultant matched it up with a couple of other tests and could determine

that for 4 hours, I’d been having a heart attack.

I’d like to or wish I could make some kind of profound or even witty comment. But I’ll just type what I said to the guy after he told me….

“Fuck!”

So there it was, what more could I say. He explained that it was Coronary Artery Disease, or heart attack but my heart hasn’t been damaged, because “your heart is one mega strong tough little bastard”. 37 (and a half) and I’d gone and ‘had a coronary’.

So it seems life is chucking me another curveball to try and either sort me out or end me haha. You’re probably expecting me to now tell how terrifying it was, so I will. It was biblically scary. And you know the funny thing, I was laid strapped to the gurney in the ambulance trying to breathe as best I could and sucking in what seemed like gallons of gas and air thinking not that my life was flashing before my eyes or anything, but “try not stress and get upset, you’ll make Rona more worried”. I lay there trying not to break down and made myself stop crying  because as much as I wanted to it really wouldn’t have helped either of us. I knew also that I was in expert hands and good care, but I was very very very scared. I’ve said it many times and will always stand by it: that the worst feeling you can experience as a human being is helplessness.

So the recovery begins, not in earnest, but in minuscule pieces. I’m not going to sit here and pontificate and patronise anyone by rolling out the old cliches of it being life-changing this or by the grace of God that though. Things happen to people for whatever reason. It is up to the individual to find the reasons why, choose the next step on their path, or to set whatever goals, or decide which choices to make as a result. I’ve already some choices that I hope will benefit myself and others for as long as I’m here and my recuperation has already begun. And here’s the thing, how many of you, when I said my recovery had started and choices were made, thought of something physical?

My first thought was not “oh well, I’ll be ditching the fags then eh”. It was “I’ll need to put in some amount of effort to cope with what just happened and what’s to come, inside my head” (I still haven’t processed it all a week after it happened).

But don’t think for a second that’s me being defeatist or depressing, no I’m prepping. Because I know there lies a tough battle ahead mentally. I can sit here right now and say “it’s okay, I know what’s coming. I’m strong enough to deal with it as and when”. AM I? We’ll see I guess. But best to have that thought in my head so hopefully I can remind myself of this paragraph for reference

I’ll feel useless. I’ll get upset. I’ll get angry because I want to go faster than I should. I’ll take it out on others. I’ll question myself. One thing I do know is this…..that I’ll have amazing people alongside me to tell when I’m being a dick, to reassure me, to hold my arm to the end of the street and back, and keep me upright when I get back cos I’m knackered. To make me laugh and feel loved. For that I can only offer a feeble but humble and massively grateful THANK YOU xxx. To everyone who has been through this with me and who will be there into the future.

I’m sure there will be more to be written about the events of the past week or so but for now I’ll sod off and leave you, in written form only haha. Because in the words of the nurse in charge…….

“You’re forty years too early pal”

Lots of love

Steven

#gsss #mentalhealthawareness

 

Please Mind The Gap When Alighting From This Dream

It’s been 3 months!! Blimey!

Hello everyone, how are we all? Right, let’s have a catch-up then I guess.

Since we last spoke the first thing I should mention is that things are on the mend with my boy. Still not 100% but we are on the road to rebuilding, although I’m still making mistakes, daft mistakes like not calling when I should (genuine stupid forgetfulness) which really annoys me ‘cos it’s not exactly a taxing thing is it? We are getting there though. I look forward to seeing him so much and just being with him whatever we get up to. He’s a laugh and then some. Love you little dude x

I have embarked on a new chapter in life also. I met a lovely young lady called Rona and her daughter Paige a few months ago and we have been together ever since (makes it sound like years lol). I have also inherited a furry family too. As well as my angel Equinox there are another 3 cats, and 2 dogs! I’ll get photos of them all put on here but for now let me introduce to you……

Sylver

and Bella

IMGP5309(auditioning to be the new Thundercats logo)

There are a few other things going on too which I won’t bore you with, other than I’m hoping to set up my own photography business. Working name at the moment is SCPhotography. You’ll only find me on Facebook just now but I shall be appearing on other outlets as soon as humanly possible. A massive thankyou to all that have liked and / or shared the page for me.

The title of this post is the result of a misheard train announcement while on the way back from seeing Hayden. One of those where what you’re thinking about meshes with what’s going on outside. For weeks I battled with myself and my insecurities while I was alone, or travelling, about the road ahead. Every time though I always ended with the thought of “live your dreams man, do something different and scary”. As I write this I’ve just given some advice to a young lad who seems to be battling with a lot of internal conflict….

“Always listen to yourself pal, and never doubt yourself. There is no wrong decision or choice, only wisdom to be gained”

Only you are, and should be the architect of your dreams and destiny. Only you should decide what the best is for yourself. Take advice, look at others, but in the end you are here for a reason. You will find that reason only by making choices that you believe in and no one should ever try to take you off that path. If they do, choose another guide and not another path. You inherently know the difference between right and wrong, trust your instincts and yourself. Things go wrong, things don’t work out as you’d hope, but we get through and we fight and we believe and we conquer. Yes there’s a gap between where we are and our dreams but never look down before you step off towards them because they’re YOUR dreams and aspirations. Some will mock, some will question, but that’s because everyone is unique whether they like it or not so don’t let them make you look down either. We have enough critics inside our own heads never mind letting anyone else have a go at it for you lol.

I’ll leave you with one piece of advice, if you have children, please don’t scream and shout at them and cause them to feel fear, talk to them…….and listen. Let them grow.

It feels so good to be back. Lots of love

Steven x

p.s SJ, you’re boy will be okay

#gsss #mentalhealthawareness

 

Lost Priority

15/2/16

Hey dude,

I am so so very sorry we haven’t spoken in so long. I have no excuses to be honest. Yeah I’ve been away, and other stuff has happened, and my life has changed over the last few weeks, but there is no excuse for not ‘picking up the phone’ or writing you a letter before now. I know it’s stupid but I get scared the longer I leave it because I think there’s no hope that you’ll talk to me and you  (and your mum) will be angry with me. And I definitely don’t blame you if you don’t want to talk to me. I keep letting you down. I keep telling myself to sort myself out and be the dad you want and need me to be, and every time I fail you. No amount of sorrys would ever be enough and no words can describe the pain in my heart. I know I’m being daft and the thoughts that go through my mind are stupid, but I end up believing them and go round in circles, and you get hurt. I love you more than anything or anyone on this planet and I’m a shit dad for not making you feel that love every single day. I know you don’t want much from me, you never have, but what I give you is simply pathetic and unworthy of the best son a dad could ever wish for. I need a proper smack around the head! Please please forgive me mate. I don’t mess up intentionally, I’m just an arse sometimes. But no matter if I am or not, there is no excuse. I miss you desperately and it hurts like hell. It’s up to me to deal with that and earn your trust again. Everytime I think of how much I’ve let you down these last few weeks I just want to stop, sit down and cry and scream. You really are my world. Things get in the way, but they should never get in the way of you and me. I’ll try again later today, and tomorrow, and all the days after. I love you so much xxx

Hi everyone. No diary this time because it doesn’t matter what I’ve been up to lately. You can guess what’s happened amongst the other things that have been going on. Why can’t I ever find a decent proper balance in my life and head? Every time I find something good something else goes wrong in my life. All I want is to be like the rest of you. All I want is to have the most important things in my life to work together and for me to feel content. For once please can I have a normal life. My heart is simultaneously elated and breaking at the same time, what kind of fucked up shit is that!? I’m so angry with myself. I’m so much in pain inside. I’m ashamed and deserve every criticism and shake of the head I could and should get. I would do anything to have my boy in my arms right now and tell him how much he means to me. I need you little guy, you are my inspiration and reason I am alive. You are my living angel. I am so sorry. 

The delicate balance between hope and feeling worthless. Between driving yourself on to sort things out and feeling total despair that you’ve fucked it all up and you don’t know how to fix it. Between such highs to the point of wanting it all to end. 

The next time you get the reply from someone (yeah me included)  “I’m not too bad” or “things aren’t too bad/shabby” or “so-so” or a variant of such answers, don’t believe them, it’s bullshit. We’re hurting. Hurting for a reason. If we weren’t it would be “I’m great / fantastic / going good”. My life seems to be taking a turn for the better but as you can see I’m far from good. There’s still an awful lot I need to sort out. Only one that can do these things is me. GSSS!!!
Take care ’til next time everyone. Lots of love, light and peace.

Steven x

“Put a little love in your heart”