Lost Priority

15/2/16

Hey dude,

I am so so very sorry we haven’t spoken in so long. I have no excuses to be honest. Yeah I’ve been away, and other stuff has happened, and my life has changed over the last few weeks, but there is no excuse for not ‘picking up the phone’ or writing you a letter before now. I know it’s stupid but I get scared the longer I leave it because I think there’s no hope that you’ll talk to me and you  (and your mum) will be angry with me. And I definitely don’t blame you if you don’t want to talk to me. I keep letting you down. I keep telling myself to sort myself out and be the dad you want and need me to be, and every time I fail you. No amount of sorrys would ever be enough and no words can describe the pain in my heart. I know I’m being daft and the thoughts that go through my mind are stupid, but I end up believing them and go round in circles, and you get hurt. I love you more than anything or anyone on this planet and I’m a shit dad for not making you feel that love every single day. I know you don’t want much from me, you never have, but what I give you is simply pathetic and unworthy of the best son a dad could ever wish for. I need a proper smack around the head! Please please forgive me mate. I don’t mess up intentionally, I’m just an arse sometimes. But no matter if I am or not, there is no excuse. I miss you desperately and it hurts like hell. It’s up to me to deal with that and earn your trust again. Everytime I think of how much I’ve let you down these last few weeks I just want to stop, sit down and cry and scream. You really are my world. Things get in the way, but they should never get in the way of you and me. I’ll try again later today, and tomorrow, and all the days after. I love you so much xxx

Hi everyone. No diary this time because it doesn’t matter what I’ve been up to lately. You can guess what’s happened amongst the other things that have been going on. Why can’t I ever find a decent proper balance in my life and head? Every time I find something good something else goes wrong in my life. All I want is to be like the rest of you. All I want is to have the most important things in my life to work together and for me to feel content. For once please can I have a normal life. My heart is simultaneously elated and breaking at the same time, what kind of fucked up shit is that!? I’m so angry with myself. I’m so much in pain inside. I’m ashamed and deserve every criticism and shake of the head I could and should get. I would do anything to have my boy in my arms right now and tell him how much he means to me. I need you little guy, you are my inspiration and reason I am alive. You are my living angel. I am so sorry. 

The delicate balance between hope and feeling worthless. Between driving yourself on to sort things out and feeling total despair that you’ve fucked it all up and you don’t know how to fix it. Between such highs to the point of wanting it all to end. 

The next time you get the reply from someone (yeah me included)  “I’m not too bad” or “things aren’t too bad/shabby” or “so-so” or a variant of such answers, don’t believe them, it’s bullshit. We’re hurting. Hurting for a reason. If we weren’t it would be “I’m great / fantastic / going good”. My life seems to be taking a turn for the better but as you can see I’m far from good. There’s still an awful lot I need to sort out. Only one that can do these things is me. GSSS!!!
Take care ’til next time everyone. Lots of love, light and peace.

Steven x

“Put a little love in your heart”